Mari Ann with an i

God's Faithfulness - Revisited

2012-01-12T04:24:00.000-08:00

I have posted about this before, but today I feel like God is leading me to write about His provision and faithfulness in FCA.

FCA stands for Fellowship of Christian Athletes. FCA is in my heart, but I am not an athlete. I have often wanted to be! But....I am not athletic at all.

Over 20 years ago, I sensed God leading Michael and I into FCA. Mind you, I didn't really know what that was. I had heard people speak about it, but FCA wasn't around when Michael and I went through our local high school. Perhaps that is why I considered it strange that I couldn't get FCA out of my head. God just kept putting it in my thoughts, and I couldn't get it out.

I hadn't really mentioned it to anyone, until one day Michael came home from work for lunch, and I told him that I thought I knew something "God wanted him to do". To his credit, he listened and then acted immediately. He picked up the house phone, (we had one then), called directory assistance, and asked for a number in the state of Missouri to Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He dialed the number the operator gave him, and asked to speak to someone about starting an FCA in our local school system.

He had reached a secretary, and she put him through to someone named Gary Beets. Michael told him where he was from, and asked for information on how to start FCA in our community. Silence. Gary Beets was speechless. Michael kept saying "hello?", until finally Gary answered. He told Michael that less than 24 hours earlier he had spread out a map of our state on a desk. He and his staff had prayed over it, earnestly asking God specifically for someone to lead FCA and bring it to our area where there were no FCA huddles. (It turned out that Gary was the state director of FCA, and he became a good and trusted friend of our family.)

God is faithful.....and God loves kids.

With God's provision, we were equipped to begin FCA in the high school. Next, it spread to the junior high and then middle school. A few years later, our school system was the first FCA in the state to have a huddle in an elementary school. God opened doors, provided workers, cut through red tape, and multiplied his work. It was a miracle if I have ever seen one.

What does FCA do? It provides a club inside the local public school where kids can speak openly about their faith. It is student-led, and at each meeting a student is bold enough to share his faith in front of his/her peers. FCA leaders are allowed to pass out Bibles in a public school, because the Bible is their club material. No other organization can do that.

Today, if you walk into our local school, you will see an FCA coach who became a believer in FCA as a student. He is now a father and a coach, and he volunteers his time to support FCA. That's amazing to me.

I am thankful today for a God who does miracles, meets our needs, gives us dreams and then fulfills them. I give Him all the glory.

And, by the way, you don't have to be an athlete to be in FCA!

Wow!

2012-01-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

Surprise!

I am so excited to write about this, I don't even know where to start!

The very day, the very day, that I posted last week about my desire to find a women's group, I learned about a new group that was going to start meeting THAT NIGHT! It is sponsored by the church that we served with during Radical Christmas, and the group is meeting outside the regularly scheduled church meeting times. That means it doesn't conflict with our church meeting times either! Also, they had already decided to invite women from other churches to participate.

Once again, God has answered in a way that reminds me that He is "able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think". How exciting is that? I yearn, and I mean yearn, to continue living in a way that expects God's miracles to happen on a continual basis.

Also thrilling is the thought of studying "Radical". I read the book last year and was moved to change the way I view my faith. It was perhaps a catalyst in my desire to live a "radical" way that makes a difference in our world and calls us to sacrifice. Michael and I constantly discuss our need to see God working and rely on Him.

The last time I read the book I was on a plane to Oklahoma. The gentleman beside me remarked that he had read the book with his church, and it had moved him to entirely change his standard of living. He had sold his extravagant house (his words) and downsized to a more reasonable home. He said God was calling him to give more away and provide for the needs of others.

I don't know what new thing God will ask me to do, but the answer is "Yes"! I do know that He is telling me to be vocal about the things He is teaching me. I also know that I want to surround myself with people who also have this vision. I want to worship with people who feel the same way. I want to live expectantly and joyfully and hopefully.

I remember how exciting it is to see God move: when an unchurched kid walks into the youth group with one of our youth and is searching for answers; when a student joins FCA rather than hang out with his friends in the morning at school; when we pray with one of our own children and God answers in a big way; when I seek His direction and He shows me what to do; when God allows me to be part of His plan in any way at all.

My "Radical" group meets on Thursday nights! I will keep you "posted"!

Praying......

2012-01-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my Christian life, I am not currently in a women's group! Oh, perhaps there have been short periods when we were transitioning somewhere and I wasn't plugged in yet, but currently there's nothing going on.

Conversely, I am growing by leaps and bounds in my personal studies. I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me on a daily basis almost, and my quiet time is rich and rewarding. Even more exciting, Michael and I are hearing the exact same things from God about the direction and things He wants us to pursue. It doesn't get better than that.

In my study this morning, the author encouraged me once again to find godly, excited women to meet with regularly. I am back to my study called "One in a Million" by Priscilla Shirer. I love her enthusiasm and excitement and expectation of what God can do. She encourages the reader to shed relationships that do not glorify God, and seek new relationships that will increase your faith and spur you on and lead you to greater intimacy with Him.

So...I am doing that. I don't know what that looks like, but I know God has placed this desire in my heart. Looking back over past blog posts, I know that I have expressed that need before. My husband joins me in praying for that for me, and I know God will answer because it is in perfect alignment with His will.

It's a tall order, I know! Having been involved in relationships at times that are plagued with gossip or complaining or doubt, I am cautious in my search. That isn't what I am looking for! I desire women to dig into studies with and share my heart with and share burdens and joys with. I need women to pray with who expect supernatural answers that only God can provide. I have had relationships like that at times along the way, and they bring such joy!

Is there anybody out there feeling the same need? I would love insight on how to find women in the same place as me. I am excited about the possibilities.......

A Trek Out West

2012-01-04T05:26:00.000-08:00

After Christmas, we loaded up the van and headed out west to spend a few days with Micah, Patty and Collin! Meredyth and Cooper and Noah went with us. We had to borrow a car-top carrier (Thanks Ron) in order to fit in all the presents and luggage.

The weather in Oklahoma was unseasonably warm, so we enjoyed a couple of days at the park. Collin loves to swing, and well, I guess our kids are never too old to enjoy a good playground. I love that about them!

Collin quickly adjusted to having his home overrun with Moyers, and we played constantly. It was amazing to see all the things he had learned to do since I last saw him. He is crawling, mimicking sounds, eating solid food, slamming cabinets, and expressing his likes and dislikes.

We stayed through New Years Day, and also got to celebrate Micah's birthday. We celebrated at a local arcade - eating pizza and playing games. We loved just soaking up time with our now grown kids, and bringing in the New Year together!

First, second and sixth picture courtesy of Micah and Patty. The rest are courtesy of Cooper and Meredyth.

YES.....It Was Radical!

2011-12-28T07:02:00.000-08:00

I promised a follow-up on the Radical Christmas Campaign, and here it is!

As I said in an earlier post, Michael and I were blessed to be part of the campaign that was sponsored by First Methodist Church in our town. We helped wrap presents a couple of times, and then were appointed "runners" the night of the event. It took place on Christmas Eve in our local convention center.

I can't begin to tell you how organized this thing was! The plan was to provide a beautiful Christmas conert, and then a message presenting the gospel to our community. Afterward, the church gave out baskets of food and presents to families who had pre-qualified based on need.

Ok - those are the facts, but not the story!

The real story comes from what God did to bless this amazing event. My understanding is that there was some skepticism about how much people would be able to donate due to economic downturns. If you look at the problem with human eyes, it seems insurmountable! But....if you just believe in the awesome possibilities when you follow God's leading, miraculous things happen!

Unbelievably, people just kept giving. And more people were blessed! The convention center was absolutely full of volunteers, and full of people who needed help. As food and gifts were passed out, the air was thick with joy and hope. It was absolutely contagious!

I am reminded now that Christmas is about giving. I often give to people who aren't in need: my kids, my family, my friends. I enjoy that. But to give to people who are truly needing help, well, there aren't as many opportunities. I'm going to have to actively look for those - and not just at Christmas.

Thank you, First Methodist, for your commitment to our community. Thank you for taking on the monumental task of organizing and carrying out this campaign. Thank you for reminding us that God is not limited by our ideas and abilities.

And........THANK YOU for blessing me in the process.

Two Posts in One Day?? That's Crazy!

2011-12-22T09:34:00.001-08:00

I was looking around for some praise music to listen to while I got ready for the day, and found this. It was too good not to share!!! I got so excited I almost burned my hair in the curling iron!

Have a blessed day!

It's a Radical Christmas!!!

2011-12-22T08:25:00.001-08:00

I don't have alot to share on this just yet, but wanted to let you in on an exciting thing that is happening in our lives!

A month or so ago, God brought to my mind a study that I had done years ago. Has anybody completed "Experiencing God"? The thing I remember most is "Find where God is working, and join Him"! Is that exciting, or what?!

So....I began looking around and, lo and behold, I heard about the "Radical Christmas Campaign" in our town. God is doing some amazing and miraculous things through His people. I quickly asked how Michael and I could help, and we became part of the process! Radical Christmas will provide food, toys, ornaments, and Bibles for over 360 needy families in our area.

I have experienced some lean Christmas seasons in my childhood, so I know how much this will mean to these families. I cannot tell you the joy that has filled my heart just being a part of such a wonderful campaign. I have seen God multiply His blessings over and over, and open people's hearts to give and give. Joy to the world!!!!!

I will update you later on how it all turned out.......

An Invisible Thread

2011-12-20T20:30:00.000-08:00

I HAVE TO STOP READING! I HAVE TO FINISH PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS!

One of the fantastic things about having a Nook is that I can instantly download any book I want and begin reading it right away! One of the worst things about having a Nook is that I can instantly download any book I want and begin reading it right away!

I saw Anderson Cooper interview the writers of the book "An Invisible Thread: The True Story of an 11-year old Panhandler, a Busy Sales Executive, and an Unlikely Meeting with Destiny". It seemed like a fascinating story, and I downloaded it right away. I was not disappointed! I should have been baking cookies, but I could not put it down!

This true story is absolutely amazing! It shows the impact that one person can make in a child's life by investing in them and showing them love. It truly touched my heart and challenged me to search for more ways to serve others.

Tomorrow.....I will bake cookies!

There Are No Orphans of God!

2011-12-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could relate to you in words how precious my time with God has been this last week! I have drawn near to Him and He has drawn near to me. The peace He has given me is nothing short of miraculous!

On Saturday, right after I had received the news about my biological dad, I began to call my children. I was still digesting the information, and I remember remarking to Patty "I just feel like I have been orphaned." My heart remembered the days of abandonment and that feeling of being unwanted and alone.

When I finally got to my email, I had a note from Patty. It was written just moments after I talked to her, and she said "You have a heavenly Father who is always with you, 'I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you' (John 14:18). Not only do you have the assurance of never being left alone as an orphan, but God provided you with an amazing earthly father in Pop. He too has always wanted you and is always there for you." She added, "Do not let satan have an inch in your thoughts and fill you with self-doubt and 'what if's". But instead 'cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you' (1 Peter 5:7)" (added with her permission)

The next evening, we traveled to another state to hear Meredyth sing in her Christmas musical performance at her church. I expected typical Christmas music - the familiar carols I love to hear and sing. The church was crowded and we sat near the back, but we could see and participate with ease.

The choir and soloists did tell the Christmas story through song and narration. But near the end, a lovely woman came out of the choir and began to sing a song that I wouldn't have described as a Christmas song. As she sang, tears sprang to my eyes, and then ran down my face, and then I began to weep. It's hard to weep quietly and not be a public spectacle, but I managed!

Below is the video of Avalon recording the song they sang that night. As you listen, you will see why I believe God included it just for me!

I wished.......

2011-12-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, we found out my biological dad had cancer that had spread extensively. If you have read my testimony, you know that we have not had much contact. I saw him at my grandmother's birthday party in January. We chit-chatted a bit, sharing nothing but small talk. Needless to say, it's quite awkward to stand in a room talking to someone you share DNA with, but really don't know. Add to that, that special someone abandoned you.

Well, a few weeks ago, he contacted me. He said that he needed to resolve some things with me, and he began to share his regret over how he had missed out on my life. He told me it was his deepest regret, and he only wished he could do it over. He wished he knew me, and he hoped to have time to fix things. He told me loved me, more than I could ever know, and that he had given his heart to Christ. He had a new heart.

Nah......

That didn't happen. That was the scenario I played out in my head every day as I prayed for him to hear the gospel and know God. I wanted that to happen. I wanted him to resolve all the mess he left me with, and I wanted him to be the man I always hoped he could be. I don't think I realized how much I wanted that until the opportunity was lost forever.

On December 10, he passed away. I attended his funeral this week, as pretty much an outsider. It was quite possibly the single hardest thing I have ever done. As the pastor spoke, I kept listening for something, anything that would tell me more about him. I didn't learn much. I did learn that he loved his family very much, (the present one, not the original one) and that he was very good to them. Ouch.

satan threatened to drag me back to that place - the dark, twisty place - where I once was. I sat there thinking "Ok, he loved everyone here but me. What is wrong with me?" I wanted to stand up and scream "ARE YOU KIDDING?"

But....I didn't. For the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me that He had healed me from the inside out. It still hurts, but I know who I am in Christ. I know that my life is extraordinary. God saved me from a life of repeating the mistakes my bio dad made. He rescued me and made me whole.

I'm pretty sure I still have a lot to sort out. It feels a little like a final chapter to a very long book has been written and the story is over. But I know it isn't over completely. There's a sequel that is full of hope and God's promises and my redemption. Hallelujah.

CWL

2011-12-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I was invited to the Christian Women's Luncheon in our town. I didn't even know there was such a thing! A friend of mine from church attends the luncheon, which occurs once a month at the Episcopal Church. I couldn't wait to attend.

It was a rainy, rainy, day that Monday! It wasn't that drizzly kind of rain, either! It was POURING. It was also cold. I have to admit that staying in my yoga pants and fuzzy sweater and covering up with a blanket sounded much better than venturing out in the rain to have lunch with a group of women I didn't even know.

My friend picked me up, and we drove to the church. We parked and then cautiously tiptoed through the small rivers running down the sidewalk. As we entered the room, the aroma of Christmas cookies and candles rushed toward me. The room was warm and welcoming and joyful! What a blessing!

I actually knew quite a few of the women who were in attendance. There were many denominations represented, and many age groups as well. As we gathered around tables and enjoyed the catered lunch, I could feel the kindness and warmth resonating through these women. I'm sure if we had shared our specific denomination beliefs, there would have been many differences. But...we all worshipped the same God and knew Christ as our Saviour. Our hearts were knit together in that blessed way that only the Holy Spirit can bring about.

The speaker was a lovely woman who was the senior pastor in a nearby town. Her joy was contagious as she shared the unique and precious role that Mary played in bringing Christ to earth. She also spoke about God's provision of Elizabeth as a mentor in her life, and the importance of having a mentor of our own.

I know that has been missing in my life. My mom fulfilled that role for me, along with many other amazing women. One that immediately comes to mind is my Sunday School teacher, Bev Weddle, when Michael and I first moved to New Orleans. I was in a huge city, knew no one, and was very lonely and afraid. Bev was also transplanted to Louisiana, and she dove right in and began to serve. She was the model of a godly wife in front of me, and I have never forgotten her.

In this age of technology and information, perhaps the art of mentoring has been somewhat cast aside. If we have a question, we can "google it" or download a book on any subject. We don't have to rely on other women for guidance and help, because we can seek the advice of experts. I'm not sure it's a good thing.

I have begun to pray expectantly and excitedly for a mentor of my very own. Perhaps she will be one of those lovely women I shared lunch with this week. Or maybe God has someone totally different in mind. I just know it is a very right thing to wish and pray for.

Thanks, Louise, for taking the time to pick me up that rainy Monday. God blessed me through you!

25 Things Your Husband Longs to Hear

2011-12-01T06:58:00.001-08:00

I read this in my quiet time this morning and just had to share it with you.

25 Things Your Husband Longs to Hear

* I've been thinking about you all day.

* What can I do for you today?

* How can I pray for you today?

* The best part of my day is when you come home.

* You are one of God's most precious gifts to me.

* Thank you.

* I'm sorry.

* You are so wonderful.

* You look so handsome today.

* You make my day brighter.

* I don't feel complete without you.

* You are my best friend.

* I love spending time with you.

* Thank you for taking such good care of me.

* You are my knight in shining armor.

* I will always love you.

* I trust your decisions.

* I can always count on you.

* What would you like to do?

* I prize every moment we are together.

* I see God's fingerprints all over you.

* You are such an inspiration to so many people.

* You are such a wonderful father.

* You could give classes on how to be a great husband.

* I believe in you.

Cheesy? Perhaps. But although all those things are in my heart, I don't share them with Michael often enough. I am still studying "The Power of a Woman's Words", and there are some great tips in it on how to encourage others.

I can think of no better place to improve than with my husband!

Over the River and through the woods......

2011-11-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

This last weekend we made a trip to the log cabin to get our tree and wander through the Christmas cabins! It began to pour while we were there, but you know how I love those kinds of days. The woods were a magical place - the smell of evergreen and fir trees filled the air, and Christmas lights brightened the cozy little cabins.

We bought a couple of ornaments and picked out a beautiful, fragrant Frasier fir. Michael stood out in the rain and tied the tree to the top of the van. It was one of those many times when I am thankful to be a girl!

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T06:10:00.000-08:00

I got up early this morning to do my quiet time, drink a steaming cup of coffee, and watch the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade. It is my favorite kind of day - overcast and chilly and drizzling rain- and I feel very cozy snuggled on the couch with Jack. (the dog) So far, I am the only one up.

Our family is scattered this year for the holidays, but it is a special day nonetheless. Thanksgiving has definitely changed for us in the last several years. I didn't even cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner until three years ago! I was blessed with a grandmother who loved cooking for the holidays, and Thanksgiving was her favorite. We would all gather in her garage, warmed with space heaters, and eat a feast with our entire extended family. I miss those days!

Now the honor of cooking falls to me, and while overwhelming at times, it is fun to plan and shop for food and set a beautiful table. I try to incorporate a new dish or two into the meal, but what I love most is making the special dishes everyone loves. This year Meredyth requested her favorite mashed potato casserole, and Noah asked me to make his favorite potato casserole topped with corn flakes and butter. Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete without a sweet potato something, so I am also making a casserole of sweet potatoes with an oatmeal crumble topping. I know! That's THREE potato casseroles! I don't really care if our meal is "balanced" or not, it's just important to know that everyone has their own special dish.

Here's the menu:

Turkey

Ham

Apple, Sausage, Cranberry Dressing

Mashed Potato Casserole

Cornflake Potato Casserole

Sweet Potato Casserole

Green Beans

Green Bean Casserole

Corn

Rolls

Pumpkin Cheesecake

Mississippi Mud Cheesecake

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

Pumpkin Chocolate Bread Pudding

We aren't really celebrating until tomorrow, so today Michael, Noah and I will order pizza and watch football games in our pajamas. I hope Noah will pick up his guitar and play some of the new songs he has written, too. After the parade, the International Dog Show comes on! I don't know why we love that show, but we do!

God has blessed me with wonderful family and friends, and I am so thankful for His goodness. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Smoky Mountains

2011-11-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, Meredyth and I headed east for our annual shopping trip to Gatlinburg. It was my 25th year to go, and I had been super excited for weeks. It was Meredyth's third year - well, fifth if you count the year I was pregnant with her and the year she was an infant!

My sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law joined us for a few days as well! We had a great time catching up.

The vibrant reds, yellows, and oranges of the autumn leaves were absolutely beautiful this year! I know it is only November, but for years we have pulled out the Christmas CDs and sung our way to the mountains. This year was no exception!

As most of you know, this trip began with my grandmother. She and my grandfather used to spend a few weeks in a chalet in Gatlinburg every Fall. When he became ill, my grandma missed it so much, so Mom and I offered to take her. When she could no longer make the trip, Mom and I continued the tradition. We would spend five days shopping for Christmas, eating out, and relaxing.

Now that Mom is no longer here, it has become my trip with my own daughters. Last year, Meredyth and Patty and I went. It was a hard week after our loss, but a precious time with the girls. This year, Patty couldn't go, and we really missed her.

My mom loved planning, packing, and thinking about our trip every year. We would begin talking about it soon after summer vacation, and probably drove everyone around us crazy with all our plans!

As we drove into Pigeon Forge this time, the mountains were displayed in front of us like always. They were breathtaking! A mist had settled over them, and they looked like they went on forever. It was at that moment that grief slammed into me like I had hit a brick wall. I wanted to open the car door and run away as far and as fast as I could, but I figured that would freak Mer out. Instead, I gave in to the feeling and let it wash over me. Twenty-five years of memories began to run through my mind, one after the other. I remembered:

driving through the winding roads with Mom at dusk listening to beautiful Christmas music; eating caramel apples as we walked through the streets of Gatlinburg while a light snow settled on our hair and shoulders; visiting the little silver shop in the Village and deciding what to buy; shopping for hours in the outlet mall until we could hardly walk and then writing down what we bought in our little Christmas notebooks; buying cases of apple butter at The Apple Barn; combining our change and eating dinner out of the vending machine at our hotel one night; browsing in the Christmas store until we found the perfect ornament to commemorate our trip; and on and on.

Nearly every memory I have of Gatlinburg has my mom in it.

I saw a movie a few weeks ago that had a scene about grief in it. A pastor was counseling someone about their recent loss of a loved one. He said (I paraphrase) "At some point in your grief, you will have to make a decision whether to be bitter about your loss, or grateful for the time you had with your loved one. Some people gain an intimacy with God through their experience that others never find."

I shared that scene with Meredyth as we drove to our hotel. I also shared my gratitude for the sixty-six years I had with Mom. The first time that I can remember her nearly dying was when I was sixteen. I was given fifty more years with her than I expected to have! I still miss her terribly, sometimes almost more than I can bear. I don't think it will ever be easy to live without her in my life.

And...I think it's true - I have gained an intimacy with God that I didn't have before. In my sadness, He has remained faithful and present.

Courageous

2011-11-08T05:09:00.000-08:00

Michael and I went to see "Courageous" with some friends last week. I had been told that it was really good, so I was anxious to see it.

I gotta be honest, the acting wasn't that great in parts, but the content was much better than I expected! I will try not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it.

Most people already know the movie is a call to fathers to be the courageous, strong, godly, sacrificial leaders of their family. There's even a devotional book as well as a "contract" to sign as a commitment to their children. Good stuff.

As I watched the movie, I couldn't help thinking back to the years Michael and I spent raising our own children. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the godly husband and father Michael is. As you already know, we married very young and essentially grew up together in many ways. Despite his youth, Michael possessed a sacrificial spirit from the very beginning of our marriage. He always put my needs before his, and that extended to our kids from the moment they were born. It is definitely a God-given trait, and one of the things I love about him the most.

I remember the hours he spent roller-blading, playing street hockey, dressing Barbies and playing board games, building with Legos, watching video games, helping with homework, coaching Little League teams, and just listening to our children. He could have been doing so many other things, but he never grew tired of investing in our kids. He could have been pursuing his own hobbies or recreation, but spending time with them was his joy. That is still true today.

What a blessed woman I am.

I''m Obsessed

2011-11-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have a confession to make today. I am song-obsessed. It's hereditary. I passsed it down to Meredyth, and now she has it, too. Ask her husband about it. He will verify!

Whenever I hear a song that gets into my head, and into my heart, I cannot let go. I play it perhaps 50 times a day, not kidding, until one day it is over for me. I have heard it too much, as has everyone in my vicinity, and it no longer speaks to me.

I went to see "Courageous" (the movie, more on that later) and I heard a snippet of a song. I knew it was Third Day and I love Third Day. Some of my earlier obsessive moments were with Third Day songs. Anyway, I found it on Youtube, and I have played it over and over and over and over. It speaks to me. God speaks to me through it.

I must say, I didn't always hear God speak to me. Oh, I would hear him sporadically I thought, but I wasn't in tune to His voice in my life. That has changed! He speaks to me all the time, and I hear Him. And I love His voice.

If people tell you God doesn't do that - He doesn't work that way - don't listen to them. He does. Those are the sweetest, most precious, most joy-filling times of my life. I finally realized a few years ago that Christianity isn't about the things I do. It isn't about perfecting myself for Him. It is about listening to Him and just saying "Lord, change my heart" and being willing to let Him do all the work in me. It's about letting go of my ideas and my choices and my will. I couldn't believe there would be freedom in that, but that's where the freedom really is!

Today, I don't know where He is taking me. I just know that I don't want to go anywhere without Him. It's scary when everything is changing and there's no map to follow. But I can wait if I can just continue to hear His loving voice.

We have taught our children that life is hard, and the world is crazy, but you don't have to fear it if God is your refuge. We want them to be strong in their faith and know that He is their strength in times of trouble. He will sustain us!

Here is my song obsession today. I hope it blesses someone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4uauw38GBM

You must always use your powers for good!

2011-10-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Beginning when Meredyth was a little girl, I would tell her "You must always use your powers for good, darling!" She asked me one day why I never said that to her brothers. I told her that girls have to be very careful because we can manipulate people and situations with our words and actions. She knew it was true: she could change her tone just a little and smile brilliantly whenever she wanted something! We girls learn that early.

The Bible says so many things about the power of the tongue and how it can harm people. I recently downloaded "The Power of a Woman's Words" on my Nook. I haven't finished it yet, because I have chosen to slow down and really study it.

I have actually done a few studies on our words and the negative impact they can have on people. They have been very helpful. This book also explores the effect that our positive words have on others. It has opened my eyes to the incredible gift I can give just by looking for words that will encourage! Sharon Jaynes says in that group of muscles called the tongue "lies an instrument with huge potential for good or evil, to build up or to tear down, to empower or devour, to heal or to hurt. Our words can make or break a marriage, paralyze or propel a friend, sew together or tear apart a relationship, build up or bury a dream, curse God or confess Christ. With our tongues we defend or destroy, heal or kill, cheer or churn. And we, as women, seem to be quite talented at deciding when and where to wield this tiny sword."

That is scary! No wonder it says in Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." We have the choice every time we speak - will we discourage or encourage? The author quotes a little girl during a children's sermon who said our words should "be like silver boxes with bows on top". They should be verbal presents. Isn't that a precious thought?

I want my words to be verbal presents. I don't want them to maime and destroy others. I recently prayed that God would teach me to be mindful of everything I say. I even stated that I wanted to learn it so much that I would resort to putting duct tape on my mouth if necessary! (I hope it doesn't come to that!)

This book reminds me that not only do I need to not say negative things, I must replace them with beautiful, encouraging words. I have a hunch that when I accomplish this discipline, my joy will overflow!

QT

2011-10-24T08:31:00.001-07:00

My quiet time is always satisfying, but some days it just explodes off the page. Today was one of those days.

You know how you read a passage and it just seems all new? Well, I was studying John 6 this morning and that happened to me. I was reading about Jesus retreating to the north shore of the Sea of Galiliee, and the crowds of people who followed him there. As the day drew to an end, Jesus turned to Philp and asked him "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?"

Hmmm.....I think I just always skipped over that question in my reading and never really gave it enough attention. (Or perhaps I'm just in a place in my life where I am learning something in a new way.) After all, Jesus was the one who could solve the problem, not Philip! Why would He ask that question? Jesus already knew what to do. The next verse (6) says that very thing. He was testing them.

The next verses strike me as really funny.

Philip and Andrew quickly start figuring things out in their head. They calculate and plan and decide that 8 months wages will still not provide enough to feed these people even one meal. Furthermore, they only have five loaves and two small fishes!

I quickly identified with Philip and Andrew this morning. When things are complicated and crazy, I start calculating and planning and figuring out how to solve my problems. It makes me feel better to figure out how much money we need to meet our family budget, or how many cases have to be sold to meet Michael's sales projections at work, or how many committees have to be formed at church to meet every need.

God has truly been working on this issue in my heart for awhile now. I feel blessed to know that I am making progress. Rather than trying to find a practical, do-able, attainable plan, I am first turning to God for a more miraculous solution to my dilemmas. It's just so much easier and rewarding.

Today I picture Christ standing patiently beside Philip and Andrew, just waiting for them to look at Him and say "We don't know! We cannot fix this! But...we know you can! Tell us what to do"!

What a great lesson.

Words of Wisdom 3

2011-10-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

My brother was home recently and we spent some time discussing the things our mom had taught us. We were both laughing about things she had said that now come out of our own children's mouths! We had repeated her words so often that we had definitely passed them down.

The wisdom from Mom I have thought about the last few days is pretty commonly expressed by parents. We have all heard "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I can remember hearing that especially as a young child, and saying it alot when my own children were young. It's so difficult to teach them what is appropriate to say, and to explain that thin line between truth and hurtful unnecessary words.

While I have always known to try and say only nice things, it is a struggle. I don't really know anyone who doesn't struggle with it. Women are encouraged to "vent" to each other and "let your feelings out". We are taught that it is healthy.

Honestly, I don't believe that anymore. In our Sunday School class, we have been studying 1 Corinthians 13 in a more intense study than I have ever done on that chapter. God revealed some things to me in a big way. I have always thought that love is a positive feeling, a positive act that we do for others. As I study more, I realize that it is much more. Love is as much about the things I DON'T do. It's about not having pride, not being easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil.

Our words can be so evil. We discuss things, share things, and never realize the danger and pain we are causing. We stir up emotions in others by agreeing with their feelings and confirming them. I think I am just beginning to see how much I can harm others by a simple well-meaning statement that I haven't really thought about.

While I have recently been the victim of people's hurtful words and judgments, all I can think about is how often I have stirred up evil with my own words. I can't even imagine a world in which people only spoke encouraging, caring words. I can't even imagine MYSELF speaking only encouraging, caring words.

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered purple bracelets from "A Complaint Free World". The idea is to wear the bracelet as a reminder to not criticize, be negative, or complain for 21 days. (the time it takes to create a habit) If you slip up, you switch the bracelet to the other arm for the remainder of the day and start over the next day. Some of the youth have volunteered to try it, as well as some of our closest friends.

The conversations we have had over wearing the bracelets have been interesting. People have asked lots of questions about what is truly criticism and what is just "constructive criticism". I have found that I can answer that by what is the intent of my heart. If I am struggling to find a way to say something so that it won't be considered negative, I should not say it. The bracelet is a subtle reminder to think before I speak. I have to ask the question "Is what I am about to say encouraging, uplifting, loving"? If not, just keep silent.

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" seems like a simple preschool saying. I think it is much, much more than that. It is a biblical truth meant to keep us out of trouble, closer to God, and a blessing to others. I'm going to keep working on it.

Words of Wisdom 2

2011-09-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

You must "clean up as you go"....

Wow, I hated those words! When I was growing up, that phrase was often repeated. It was probably because I resisted it so much! There was something slightly satisfying about making a huge mess - no matter what I was doing.

Imagine my surprise when I became a mom and those words took on new meaning! Micah LOVED puzzles when he was little, and I can remember repeatedly saying "Pick up that puzzle before you get out another one. Then your pieces won't get mixed up"! The phrase was also extended to legos, Matchbox cars, etc. When Meredyth came along, I used it for Barbie shoes, Polly Pockets, and other girly paraphenalia. By the time Noah came along, we were all saying it!

If I close my eyes, I can conjure up memories of Mom and I cooking side-by-side in the kitchen and her teaching me to keep my workplace tidy as we made supper. It didn't seem so important at the time, but that was probably because it wasn't my kitchen! Now I just automatically put things away as I go, because making a mess is no fun when I am the one who has to clean it up!

Do you "clean up as you go"?

Words of Wisdom

2011-09-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have realized how valuable my mom's wisdom to me. Meredyth was here last weekend, and asked me for a little advice, and I found my mother's words coming out of my mouth. I can remember her "life lessons" from when I was just a little girl, and I find myself living out those wise lessons in my daily life. They have become so much a part of me, that sometimes I forget where they came from! However, I know they came from Mom when I get a chance to visit with my brother for an extended amount of time and I find he is living his life by those same principles. It's pretty awesome.

I thought it would be great to share some of those ideas here. I don't want to take credit for my mom's wisdom and discernment, but I think I might get a few points for listening to her!

Today, the one I remember most is "You have to do the right thing no matter what anyone else does." Sounds pretty generic, huh? It is harder than you might imagine! When someone close to you is not doing the right thing, it is easy enough to tailor your responses to their behavior. Doing the right thing no matter what is a challenge. But...with the Holy Spirit dwelling within my very self, I find I pretty much can figure out "the right thing". Mom taught me to step back from the emotional part of a situation and just figure out the correct course of action.

I am so grateful for that teaching. It served me well as a teenager, of course, but I find I still use it today. Conflicts arise all the time, and being able to separate myself and look at them from a place of discernment is such a blessing. Thanks, Mom!

More to come......

"One Call Away" - A Book Review

2011-09-07T13:36:00.001-07:00

Just finished reading Brenda Warner's book "One Call Away". Brenda is the wife of Kurt Warner, former quarterback for the St. Louis Rams. I remember watching Kurt and cheering him on years ago. Since then, he has played for New York and Arizona, and is now retired from NFL Football.

I hoped this book would be a testimony about her family's faith - but I didn't find that at all. While the Warner's are known for their charitable foundation and their Christian faith, this book was more about Brenda's life and disappointments. She mentioned her belief in God in various chapters of the book, but not in a meaningful way.

All in all, the book was ok, but not what I had hoped.

Let Me Re-introduce Myself!

2011-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

If you are a woman, don't go to the world for validation!

I had my first baby in the 80's. Michael and I thought it was important for me to stay home with Micah, and the message at that time was "You should be able to do it all! Don't stay home because you will be boring and your husband will lose interest in you. Furthermore, he will meet someone at work who is more interesting than you, and he will leave you. So you will need to be able to make your own money and support yourself when he divorces you."

When I had Meredyth four years later, that message was nearly the same, but changing slightly. The new message was "Your children are very important. You should have a job, but you should strive to be a good mother. You should be able to do everything, and have no time for yourself. If you aren't doing it all, there is something wrong with you."

By the time Noah came along five years later in the 90's, society's message had changed again. Staying at home was becoming somewhat trendy. Women were finding that raising their kids could in fact be a full-time job. Women were encouraged to balance their lives more, and find a little time for themselves because it would make them a better mother. This was my favorite time.

Now things have changed again! Women are encouraged to invest in their children, making them their whole life. If you decide not to stay home with your children, people wonder why and imply that your kids are deprived and suffering. It seems there is guilt no matter what you choose.

For someone like me who struggles with self-worth at times, it's been a rocky road. I had always known that God was calling me to stay at home with my kids, and a lot of my feelings about that were shaped by some events early in my life. However, it seemed like no matter what I chose as a mom, the world tried to tell me that I was making the wrong decision and there would be dire consequences!

I have discovered there is another message out there today. The message is: "When your kids are grown and leave for college, your life is pretty much over". It's a subtle message, but it's there. People say "Oh, no! Your kids are gone! I am so sorry! I dread that day! I bet it's awful!" or "What are you going to do? I just don't think I will be able to handle that!"

It's true, it's a little unsettling to realize that the role that has defined you for nearly three decades is changing. I have already blogged about that some. I have been known as my kids' mom for a long time. Sometimes I didn't have a name, I was just "Micah's mom"etc., and I really didn't mind that at all!

It has occurred to me lately that there are many people in my life who have only known me as a mom. They didn't know me before that time in my life. And to be fair, most of my blog is dedicated to my life as a mom. So....today I am going to re-introduce myself and let you know some things about me that you may not know! Hang on!

_____________

I was named after my great-grandmother Mary, and my aunt and my mom. Their middle name was Ann. I don't know why my mom changed the "y" to an "i", but I like being different. On my right side, my eyelashes and eyebrow are black, and on the left side of my face they are white. It is a birthmark and is extremely rare. I cover it up most of the time because it is very noticeable and I get lots of questions otherwise.

I lived in six different towns before I was seven years old. I have known my husband since I was 12, and we first "went out" when I was 14. His friend told him he should date me because I was a good kisser. I had never kissed anyone in my life, so he made that up! I was co-editor of the high school newspaper, and elected Peppy Pepper as a Senior. I got my first job at Dairy Queen when I was fourteen, and since then I have: worked at a women's shoe store, been assistant manager at a sporting goods store, been a teller and a proof operator at a bank, worked for a costume designer who created beautiful gowns and costumes for Mardi Gras, been a secretary for an architect, started my own secretarial business with my mom, and began my own day care - which I had for 15 years.

When I was in junior high, I was involved in archery. I had a real bow and arrow, not a toy one, and I was pretty good at it! Michael and I used to bowl on a league when we first married, and we were pretty good at that, too. I have lost my skills since then, however. I tried golf, but I was horrible at it. I can play the guitar a little, but my dream is to learn to play the piano. I LOVE to read, and I like all kinds of books. I try to read three a week, but sometimes I don't have that much free time. I also love to sew.

My favorite hobby is organizing something. It doesn't matter what it is: a closet, a drawer, a committee, and on and on. I love to make lists and check things off as I do them, because it makes me feel accomplished. I love learning things - anything, really. It could be about sharks, or how yarn is made, or a new recipe. I am a news junkie, also.

My favorite place to be is by the ocean, because it gives me a sense of God's power and fills me with peace. But.... I love living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I always dreamed of living on a cul-de-sac and now I do! I love to move furniture around, and Michael is very patient about that. I move something nearly every day. It makes me happy.

My favorite season is autumn when the leaves are blowing in the air and the days are cooler. It feels like something exciting is about to happen. I love hearing the high school band practicing early in the morning from all the way across town, and knowing that football season is around the corner. My favorite type of day is stormy and full of thunder and lightning and rain. It makes me feel safe for some reason.

As you probably already guessed, I love to write. My spiritual gifts are "encouragement" and "discernment", and my kids have those as well! My love language is "quality time", without a doubt. I have a list of things I want to learn to do, and the next one is knitting. Patty taught me how, but I already forgot and I have to re-learn it now.

I became a Christian at church camp as a young teenager, and God has been blessing me ever since. I love working with teenagers because they are high energy and constantly developing. They are positive in their thinking and eager to learn and fun to be around.

God is teaching me these days to be aggressive in my Bible Study, and how to fight spiritual warfare in an offensive way! He is also teaching me that peace is mine to have, if I just reject the things in my mind that aren't peace. It sounds easier than it is!

_____________________________

I am excited to rediscover who I am and to try some new things now that I have more time. I will still be called upon to be a mom, and it definitely is my first love, but I am hoping to surprise myself with some new discoveries!

Moving on.....

2011-08-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

This is where Noah now lives! Last weekend, we drove away from home loaded down with a minivan full of old and new possessions. I rode with Noah in his car, while Michael followed behind. I was definitely trying to enjoy those last few hours with him before our lives changed in a huge way.

We know God led him to this place, and we know he is ready for this monumental step. That, however, does not make it easy! Michael and I have peace and joy in our hearts because Noah is right where he needs to be. Oh, but we miss him! I miss hearing his car pull up and watching his dog run to the back door to greet him. I miss his half-smile as he walks in the door and says "Hi, Mom! What do we have to eat?" I could go on and on, but I don't want to summon the tears this morning.

Speaking of crying, Michael and I did quite well I think in that department! We had agreed that falling on the ground and crying outside his dorm room would not be uplifting to Noah, so we made a pact to hold it in until we got home. We kept our agreement for the most part. I determined denial was the best plan for me!

My only near miss was during an orientation meeting for parents in the chapel. They always have a college mom speak on letting go of your children. We have done this two other times, so we were prepared. In the other instances, the speech was light-hearted and a little funny. That wasn't so this time! This time the speaker shared her pain in bringing her second son to school there. She likened it to someone "stabbing her with a knife and then twisting it". I could relate to that. Still, no tears......

Then she began speaking on her great relationship with her mom. When she has pain like that, she says she calls the one person who understands and fills her with encouragement and hope. It was a beautiful speech, and she was a riveting speaker, but the mom thing is still raw and painful for me. I wanted to call my Mom! I wanted to know she was back at home waiting for me like a safe harbor.

I wanted desperately to hear her advice and feel her comfort that day. However, as I began to think back, I remembered when Micah and Meredyth left for college. I remembered the things she said to me then, and I knew EXACTLY what she would say to me at that very moment.

She would say:

"Mari Ann, YOU CAN DO THIS! You are strong and you have Christ, and YOU CAN DO THIS! You have been preparing Noah for this day since the very minute he was born, and he is ready. You aren't leaving him alone, God is with him, and he will be fine. He will do things and learn things that you never thought possible. You are strong, and you are brave, and you can let go. You have done your job."

I remember when the kids were little and just starting school. I had found some little blown glass hearts in Gatlinburg, about the size of a penny. Micah's was blue, Meredyth's was red, and Noah's was green. When each of them started kindergarten, I slipped their glass heart into their pocket and told them that I loved them immensely. I said any time they felt unsure or nervous, to reach into their pocket and hold their heart, and know that I was at home praying for them and waiting for them to come home and tell me all about their day.

I didn't leave a glass heart in my last-born child's pocket this past weekend. I actually left a piece of my real heart with him, just as I did our other children. I also left him with lots of love, lots of advice, and lots of snacks. I can't wait to see what God does next with Michael Noah Moyers. We love you, son.

So much to do

2011-08-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have so much to do today......

Noah leaves for college in just 48 short hours.

I have things to pack, and organize. I have papers to gather, and health records to copy, and lists to consult. There are last-minute shopping trips to attend to, and loved ones to see one last time.

But....Noah has been sick for three days now, with a nasty virus that won't let him do all the things he wants to do. His fever rises and falls, his appetite gone. As for me, I am sad he is so sick, but I rejoice in all the things I can do for him. I place cold, damp washcloths on his hot forehead, cover him up when his blanket falls, bring him his medicine, and urge him to drink liquids.

This morning, he woke up and came and laid beside me, asking for more medicine. I happily get him some pudding and his medicine, and come back to join him. I have so many things to do! And yet, it is 10:46 a.m. and I sit up next to him still in my pajamas, and read a book. Every so often I glance over at him as he sleeps. His dog Jack is curled up so close to him that I wonder if he can breathe. It's as if he knows things are about to change in a big way, and he, too, is trying to hang on to every moment.

As I look at Noah, I remember past days when he would jump into our king size bed, and hide under the covers, daring me to find him. He was so tickled as I yanked back the covers and once again acted like he had tricked me. I miss that little boy.

I cannot help but think about the piles of clothes waiting to be packed, the van that needs to be loaded, the absolute mess my house is in at this moment. But I think I will just sit here and enjoy my book and my son this morning, for as long as I can. Too soon, he will be up and running around and packing all his stuff into his little car.

It's a glorious morning.

Picture this.......

2011-08-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed and it was 1:00 a.m. My head was pounding, because the beach house I meticulously chose to rent 7 months ago for our family vacation is full of black mold. It's growing on the ceiling, and it's in the vents. And I'm allergic.

I can deal with the fact that the house doesn't look like the picture on the internet that obviously was taken decades ago. I can deal with the beat up walls and the fixtures torn off the wall, and the toilet that won't stop running and the showerhead that doesn't work. I might could even deal with the giant cockroach that Noah killed in his room, although I can't help thinking that he might have many family members that would love to run over my head while I try to sleep. I just can't coexist with the mold.

The real ache in my heart comes from the fact that our vacation feels "not-so-perfect". It's Noah's final week before he leaves for college, and his friends are along for the trip, and Meredyth and Cooper are here, and well, I planned a "perfect" trip. There's 4 bedrooms, and 3 bathrooms, and a beautiful deck, and a gorgeous view, and our friends are right next door in the adjoining duplex. Except....they aren't right next door because their rooms are even worse than ours and they have babies who can't be near mold either. We love these people, and we all cram in our duplex that first night to try and figure out what to do. We have fifteen people in 4 bedrooms sharing that space with the bugs.

As I lay there awake in my bed, I start to pray "God, this isn't what I had in mind. This is really important to me! I tried really hard to find the right place and make this all happen. I wanted everyone to have a fantastic time and make unforgettable memories. I am trying to be a good sport, and pretend like this is all ok, but it doesn't feel ok. I don't see how this is going to work out."

I stared into the dark room, trying to cover all of myself up so the cockroaches wouldn't touch me if they came up on the bed. It was kind of freaking me out. But as I prayed, I began to recall all the things He had been teaching me these past few months. I remembered my desire to not go up and down in my faith, and my hope that I could be full of joy even when things didn't look so great. My disappointment threatened to overwhelm me, but I could sense God telling me to trust Him. It wasn't just that I had to let my plan go, I had to find joy in the plan that God had for me instead. It seemed like a hard thing to do, but the alternative was definitely not desirable. (Alternative = pouting and letting it totally ruin my vacation.)

We all rose early that next morning, and we gathered with our friends to pray before Michael and Matt and Brandon approached the realty company with our dilemma. We asked for favor with the company, and a chance to glorify Christ, and a place to stay.

Guess what happened.....

The guys talked to the real estate agent, and explained the situation, and she gave all our deposit money back! She couldn't understand why they were so kind and forgiving about the situation, and they got to share the gospel with her. Staci looked online and found us a beautiful place to stay that had not been rented for the week, and within four hours we were settling in the new place. Incidentally, the new place was a three-story amazing beach house that we could never afford at its regular rental price. The owner discounted it for us since it wasn't already rented!

So, what did I learn? I learned that God cares about my disappointments. I learned that He wants me to have joy and trust Him even when things look bleak. I learned not to rely on my own plans to always work out, but to be willing to change directions when He has something else in mind. Too often, I have expectations of how my life should go and I don't want to deviate from that. I wonder how many times I have settled for my own plan, when God had a better one!

I am thankful for a great vacation, great friends and family, and God's faithfulness. Again, I am blessed.

Thinking back.....

2011-08-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom today!

I don't say this for pity, but because I just have to acknowledge it out loud some days! Today I want to call her and just talk about absolutely nothing in particular. I want to tell her things about my life that noone else in the world cares anything about. I want to "be girls" together and laugh and share secrets. I want to tell her about Collin and how he squeals out loud. I want to tell her Micah went to the Cubs vs Cardinals series (she loved the Cardinals!) in St. Louis. I want to tell her Meredyth is feeling better, and Patty is doing Zumba, and Cooper is loving his job, and JJ and Heidi went to Paris, and Noah is ready for college.

I remember that Mom always had time for me. I knew if I called her, she was always glad to hear my voice. If I stopped by her house, she was always glad to see me. I was her joy - and I knew that. All of her children, and grandchildren, were her joy.

I was having lunch with a friend a couple of months after my mom died. She was sharing with me that it was difficult to watch me grieve because she did not have that relationship with her mom, and probably never would. She was so sorry for my loss, but told me to be very grateful for that relationship.

It took a while, but I have moved to grateful. At first, grief is so massive, so all-encompassing, that it hovers over you and distorts your view. Now, it is still there, and I know it will not ever completely leave. However, I rejoice in the gift Mom was to me. She gave me lots of things, but most of all, she gave me her time and her unconditional love.

If you have people like that in your life, cherish them! They are an extraordinary gift.

I am blessed.

Where in the World Did That Come From???

2011-07-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

I love practical, Biblical teaching. Often, God takes a truth from His Word, and He teaches me what it looks like in my life in a really practical way. I love that. It is so helpful.

I know God's Word tells me :

"Do not conform any more to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

That's a great truth - be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So...that sounds remarkable, but how do I do that? I know it happens when I line my mind up with God's truths and when I read His Word. Is there anything else I can do?

There is! I have been studying about living defensively and guarding my mind from satan's attacks. In fact, a close friend and I were discussing that very thing last week, and we agreed that so many of our battles are fought and won or lost in our minds. Frankly, I have in the past underestimated the role my thoughts can play in my relationship with Christ and other people.

I got very excited when I began to think about how I could actively fight this battle. I am still striving to be more faithful in this area, but God is showing me day by day how to be victorious. He has used many different avenues to teach me the same thing: I can discern and control my thoughts.

Step One: If I know I am going into a situation that may make me feel anxious or insecure or fearful or alone, I must pray BEFORE I go. For instance, if I am going to be around a group of people who aren't believers and value different things than I do, it will benefit me to pray beforehand that God will guard my heart and remind me of who I am in Him. Then when thoughts come into my head that make me feel alone or insecure, I can easily spot them and send them away.

Step Two: When a thought comes into my mind, ask myself "Where in the world did that come from?" before I let it stay in my head. This can be quite fun actually. For example, I see someone I haven't seen in a long time and I think "She sure has gained some weight. I am skinnier than that." I then ask myself "Would God say that? Would He put that in my head?" and the answer, of course, is a BIG FAT NO. (oops...no pun intended!) That thought is rejected. (just an example. I don't think that.) But I can't just reject it, I have to REPLACE it. I can instead think "I do not have to compare myself to other people. God made each of us unique, and I am His child. He loves me like I am."

If I am once again faced with a difficult relationship with someone, and it pops in my head "They are never going to change. They have ALWAYS been that way, and they ALWAYS will be." I can again ask myself "Where in the world did that come from?" and "Would God say that? Does that line up with His Word?" and the answer is NO! I can replace it with God's amazing truth: He is a God of miracles, and He changes people, and He makes the impossible possible.

There are many more examples I could use, but you get the idea. The challenging thing about this is that I have to slow down. I can't let my mind race and race on and on and not pay attention to what is in there. The sad truth is, satan puts thoughts in our minds, and before we know it, we can accept them as truth and store them away. How destructive!

Renewing my mind involves constantly sifting through what I think and discerning what is God's truth and what isn't. It takes diligence and commitment. It is worth the effort!

A Memorial for Papa

2011-07-27T04:44:00.000-07:00

On July 9, 2011, my father-in-law, Melvin Moyers, went to heaven. He was surrounded by his family at his home. There is just something beautiful about that.

His funeral service was very moving and honorable. Papa was a Highway Patrolman for many years, and his service included the Patriot Riders, a bagpipe player from the Patrol, the Colorguard, and Taps.

His service to our military and to our state were a big part of who he was, but those aren't the things I remember most. I met Papa for the first time when I was 14 years old. While he could be a very imposing figure, especially in uniform, we hit it off immediately. He had a dry sense of humor, which I can totally relate to, and he always had a good time teasing me.

My mother-in-law prayed for 26 years that he would become a believer in Jesus Christ. And he did. He served his church and his family sacrificially.

I remember when Michael and I lived in New Orleans and Michael's parents came to visit. I was a new, first-time mom, and we set out with Micah to explore the city. Papa asked me if there was anything I wanted to do, and we discussed several options. One thing I hadn't done yet was visit a plantation in the area. We drove around for a time, and then Micah and I fell asleep in the back of the van. When I woke up about an hour later, I looked out the window and saw a beautiful plantation. They were having a festival there, with tours and music and food. I still don't know how he found it. We had an amazing time!

When my mom died, his call was one of the few I remember. He said "I am so sorry, and I am on my way." That's who he was. He was a man who was faithful, and was there when I needed him. I miss him terribly, but I know I will see him one day in heaven. Hallelujah!

But I don't FEEL like it.......

2011-07-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a revelation to me that I don't have to follow my feelings. Sounds basic, huh?

The Holy Spirit really convicted me concerning how many times a week I say "I feel afraid" or "I just feel down today" or "When I spend time with _______, I just feel angry", and on and on. In my quest to find peace and not be going up and down in my walk with Christ, I learned that I AM NOT MY FEELINGS. My feelings do not dictate WHO I AM, and I do not have to succumb to them!

I knew this in my daily life already. I do the laundry, but I seldom feel like it. I cook supper, but I don't always feel like that either. The list goes on and on. Who feels like making beds? Who feels like being nice to a person who you know doesn't like you? I'm sure my husband doesn't necessarily always feel like going to work each morning.

If I can override my feelings in the mundane areas of life, that has to translate to the spiritual side. How much more can I overcome when I have the Holy Spirit's power to aid me? Is that not incredibly exciting?

Here's what I mean:

I can feel fearful but decide not to be afraid.

I can feel tired but decide not to be lazy.

I can feel angry but decide to forgive.

I can feel anchored to past hurts but decide to move forward.

Too many times I have let my feelings decide my direction, rather than throwing them aside and living in the victorious life that Christ died for me to have! We need to quit asking ourselves "How do I feel about that?" and instead ask "How does God want me to feel about that?" I daresay life would be fantastic!

Peace, Peace, Peace

2011-07-25T09:11:00.001-07:00

I remember from my many studies with Beth Moore that I should listen carefully whenever something keeps getting repeated in my Bible studies. God is trying to teach me something. So what's the new teaching that keeps coming up over and over and over? It's peace - and loving people. They go hand in hand.

I listened to Joyce Meyer every morning, and she teaches on peace and love. I went to church, and William preached on conflict resolution and loving others. Sunday night training study is focused on resolving conflict. Last week, I asked God for a specific verse, a specific word that would help me know how to handle a relationship with someone I care very much about. The next day, as I studied, He gave me 1 Corinthians 13:5. I'm pretty familiar with that verse, but I heard it in a different translation, and it spoke to me in a whole new way.

"Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not envy

It does not boast

It is not proud

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs."

That last line was what got me.

If I look at myself, I have to say sometimes I keep a record of wrongs. The NAS translation says "does not take into account a wrong suffered", and that seems much less "in your face". But, keeping a record of wrongs is so specific. When I look at someone, do I see that person through the eyes of love and compassion and mercy, or do I mentally catalog a record of wrongs?

A few months ago, despair was my closest friend. I hate that about myself. There came a point where I had to say "God, I don't care what you do, I just can't feel this way any more. Just please, please change me". Now, if I'm honest, that prayer scared me. Why do I always think I will get cancer if I pray that prayer? (Don't laugh at me please)

Instead, God began to teach me to let go of things that I was holding on to. As I let them go - the anger, the fear, the bitterness, the desire for justice - I found peace replace those things in my heart. He called me to stop looking backward, and begin looking forward. There is no room in my future for my past. Although I can learn from it, it doesn't define me. It isn't about the wrongs I have committed, or the wrongs I have suffered, it is about extending love and mercy to others, whether I feel they deserve it or not. It's also about extending love and mercy to myself, when I know I don't deserve it. When I stop looking horizontally, and just look to Christ, my heart is full and my peace is abundant.

I love peace.

Today is Hard

2011-07-01T06:35:00.001-07:00

I hate writing two posts in a row about "hard things", but it's just where we are right now! I just talked to my sister-in-law, who is struggling with taking care of her dad (my father-in-law). How I wish I could take away the pain they are facing! Dad has leukemia, and is very ill.

Please pray for Dad, as he faces dying, and pray for our family. Losing a parent just sucks. I hate that word, but it fits.

Praise God that He is with us! Michael's dad is a believer, and his hope is in Christ. Still hurts.........

Five Hard Things

2011-06-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Michael and I were visiting last night, summing up our days, talking over situations. We began to discuss "hard things" that we were dealing with right now, and realized there were five. Five. We remembered having three or four at a time, but not five hard things. Interesting.

As we talked more, we realized these five things were not "manageable things". They were not things we could change, or affect, or fix. They were totally out of our control. Again, interesting.

Later, I thought about my usual method of problem-solving. It involves moving things around a bit, making them seem to fit better, or make more sense. (Hence the picture of the abacus.) If I can move the blue bead and two red beads over the green beads.....and so on.....it seems better. It seems different and new and there are more possibilities. I don't feel so hemmed in.

Michael preached on Psalm 118 Sunday at our church. I loved verse 5:

"From my distress I called upon the Lord
The Lord heard me and set me in a large place."

I didn't understand the analogy at first. But, as Michael described it, it became really clear. The psalmist was in a "tight place", a place with no options, and he cried out for help. God answered his prayer, and put him in a "large place". Can't you sense his relief?

So, I joyfully wait upon the Lord with my five hard things. My prayer is that God will put me in a "large place" and remove me from these tight places. I keep resisting the urge to move things around a bit and give myself the illusion of space. He alone is my Shield, my Defender, my Protector, my Strong Tower, my Salvation. He alone can set me in a "large place".

I trust Him with my five hard things.

It's Just Not an Issue

2011-06-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Michael and I have been getting lots of questions about Noah and his ears! I thought I would answer some of those questions here. If you want to ask me anything, or want to call us out, feel free to leave a comment!

If you have seen Noah in the last week, you know he got his ears pierced. We had no idea that people would be so surprised by that. Honestly, I'm not really sure what the big deal is. However, I really want to set the record straight and address those concerns.

Question #1: "Weren't you upset? I bet you two were really angry!"
Answer: No. We weren't upset or angry. Noah asked us if it was ok, and we asked him to wait until after high school graduation. We knew he was going to do it, and we knew when.

Question #2: "Why would you let him do something like that? That's crazy!"

Answer: We just don't think it is a big deal. Noah is old enough to make that decision. He is the exact same Noah as he was before he got the piercings. We decided a long time ago that piercings and the way they wear their hair are personal choices and they don't matter.

Question #3: "So what's he going to do next to top that?"

Answer: Honestly, I don't even know what to say to that. I got my ear cartilage pierced a year and a half ago, and I haven't pierced anything since. Noah is not trying to be outrageous or top anything. If you know him, he is an awesome young man. He is just an awesome young man with earrings.

Again, I am kind of surprised by the responses. We have raised one daughter, and no one cared if she colored or cut her hair, or pierced her ears or belly button. There is no difference!

It's All About Noah

2011-06-02T14:29:00.001-07:00

Noah graduated from High School on May 26! We are so proud of him! He graduated with a Gold Cord for 100 hours community service, a Medal for over 3.5 GPA his high school career, Honor Roll, and Academic Scholarships. He looked so handsome in his robe: the same type of robe his dad and I wore, as well as his brothers and sisters. Time flies!

The above pic was taken just prior to graduation. Micah and Patty didn't get to come home until the next day, but Cooper, Meredyth, Bailey, (Noah's girlfriend), Dad, Michael and I all went to cheer Noah on. (Well, kind of. You actually were not allowed to cheer until after or they kicked you out. Literally.) Afterward, we went to get ice cream. Noah's real party was the next day. For more pics, hop on over to www.micahandpatty.com.

I have been getting lots of questions about how I am feeling about Noah's approaching college years - his being the last one at home and all. I can say with confidence that it feels exactly like it did the other times. I am so proud, and so thrilled about the opportunities Noah faces! We poured every ounce of our energy into raising these amazing kids of ours, and now we feel tremendously blessed that they are such wonderful people. There is no one in the world Michael and I would rather spend our time with than our kids and their families. I will miss the sound of Noah's car pulling into the driveway every afternoon, but I can't wait to see what incredible things God is going to do in his life. He is ready to move forward, and I feel good about that!

As for the next chapter of my life, it has already started! Being a mom to grown kids, and enjoying their kids, is what I plan to do. We have some youth ministry events planned for August and September, along with a parents' weekend at Union University. Until fall, we are going to enjoy Noah, do some shopping for dorm necessities, attend church camp, and have our family vacation. Life is good!

Mother's Day Follow Up.......

2011-05-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of laughing to myself this morning. It was not my intention to make everyone around me afraid to set me off on Mother's Day, but I think my last blog post did just that!

It WAS my intention to be honest about a really difficult day.

I think it's important to tell you how it went. On Saturday, Meredyth and Cooper, Dad, Michael and I, and my brother Dana all went to the cemetery. We took flowers and balloons. The balloons were my aunt's idea. She and a friend had released balloons at the one year anniversary of her mom's death, and it was helpful to her. So...we placed the flowers by my mom's grave, put flowers on my sister's grave, and then released the balloons. The day after Mother's Day would have been my mom's birthday, so we released a birthday balloon also.

It was a beautiful day! If you live around here, you know we haven't had many of those lately. The sun was shining and the breeze was gentle. I felt like I had truly celebrated Mom's life and I was glad we had set apart that time to remember her.

Saturday night was prom night, so we spent the day picking up flowers, getting ready, taking pictures, and then preparing a 3 a.m. breakfast for the senior class. Noah and Bailey looked amazing, and we had a fantastic time.

Sunday, I felt pretty good despite the fact that I had not slept at all. In fact, I remarked to Meredyth and Cooper over breakfast that I was so glad we had celebrated Mom the day before, and I felt really on top of things. Peaceful. I was going to be emotionally stable through Mother's Day! YAY!

I made it through Sunday School and our study in Hebrews. It was a great lesson. I made it through the first couple of songs in worship service, too. I thought the Mother's Day recognition part might be hard, but I was prepared for it. Well, let's say I was prepared for the typical Mother's Day recognition part. However, our pastor, William wasn't doing the typical thing. Uh-oh. He actually asked all the women to stand, young and older, and said that Mother's Day is a great day, but also a hard day for some. Some are dealing with infertility, some are dealing with loss, and it can be an emotional day. He then prayed over all of the women in the church, asking God to mend their hearts and be near to them. Here come the tears.

As we sang the next song, I glanced around the sanctuary to see if anyone was staring at me as my mascara ran down my face. What I saw was several women, women I love, crying, too. Wow. I wasn't the only one.

Our pastor started to preach through Job a couple of weeks ago, and honestly I wasn't too excited about it. I haven't been hanging out in Job the last year. I have been spending my time in the Psalms. As the sermon began, I got myself together, got my notebook out, and prepared to dive into note-taking mode. I didn't want to brag, but I was pretty familiar with the book of Job.

I wrote the title of the sermon on my paper "Do You Trust God when You Cannot See the Whole Picture". I wrote it with my favorite gel pen that has the fine tip and doesn't smear. The text was Job 2:11 - 31:40. William began to talk about how we should minister to the suffering. As he read some of Job's words, and began to talk about Job's feelings, I suddenly began to identify with his words in a whole new way. Oh my! I had felt those feelings! I said those same things. I asked those same questions that Job did. I hurt when my friends didn't understand. I hurt when I wondered where God was.

You probably know what happened. I began to cry. And I couldn't stop. I cried through the whole sermon. (And we have long sermons. William, if you read this, I like your long sermons.) I think I saw William keep looking at me as if to say "Are you ok?" and I felt bad that I must have been a huge distraction. I just couldn't stop.

I know everyone must have thought I was losing it because I missed my mom on Mother's Day. I wasn't. I do miss her, but I was crying because God is SO FAITHFUL. A passage from Job is not what I would expect to speak to my heart on Mother's Day. But it did. I clearly saw that through all the hard stuff, all the days when I felt completely alone, God understood my pain and never left my side. He understood my questions and my loneliness, and He could handle it. He is my Comforter.

I learned alot from Job last Sunday, including how to better comfort others. Actually, I have been learning that this whole last year. I'm thankful for that.

If you tiptoed around me this last weekend, I apologize. Please don't think I am still in the depths. I'm not. I plummet there from time to time, but I don't allow myself to stay there. God has surrounded me with his love and presence, and it fills my heart with hope. I hope you see that.

I got to talk to each of my kids on Mother's Day, and that was wonderful. I love being their mom, and it's all I ever wanted to be. I love you guys! I will end with a picture of Noah and me before the prom. Isn't he handsome?

Mother's Day Makes Me Want to Hit Someone!

2011-05-03T11:27:00.001-07:00

Warning....this may not be the most encouraging post you have ever read.....but it will be honest.

Yes. Mother's Day makes me want to scream and hit someone. Every trip to the mailbox brings loads of catalogs and flyers about what every good daughter is buying for her mother this week. Commercials show beautiful moments between mothers and daughters laughing together and sharing a special moment that only they can share. Every store I enter bombards me with pictures and cards and gift ideas.

There MUST be other people who feel this way. I was discussing it with a friend of mine who lost her mom some time ago, and she said that people expect her to celebrate because SHE is a mom. But we agreed that celebrating Mother's Day is about celebrating your mom, not yourself!

I don't want to appear ungrateful because I had a great mom. I am so thankful for her influence and presence in my life. Mother's Day, however, is a reminder that she is not here and she will not be celebrating that day with me ever again.

So, this Sunday I will not be wearing a flower. I have refused to change the color of my corsage from red to white. (Red means your mom is alive, white means she is dead. Who in the world came up with that idea?) I will celebrate with my children because being their mom is a privilege and the best gift I have ever received. I will go eat Mexican food after church, because that is what we always do. I will be very tired, because it is prom weekend and I am helping cook breakfast at 3 a.m. And I will try not to be sad.

April 20 Celebrate My Mom Day

2011-04-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I cannot believe it has been a year.

As I did my quiet time today, I found myself just pouring out my gratitude to God for all she gave to me. It has been easy to be caught up in the loss and the emptiness that her death has brought to my life. However, for 47 years she loved me endlessly and sacrificially. I celebrate that today, even as I painfully miss her.

I am grateful for:

Her attitude. Although she was in constant, chronic pain for over 40 years, she kept going. I know it was excruciating to even get out of bed each day, but she did it anyway because she believed life was worth it.

Her sacrifice. She worked hard for our family, and sacrificed her own needs and comforts for others.

Her beauty. She was just naturally beautiful. Michael called it "classy", and I would agree. Her grace and beauty came from the inside out.

Her love. She was a great mom, and a wonderful grandmother. She loved our children not only by giving them her time, she also placed great value on each of them. She celebrated their differences.

Her faith. She loved God, and we knew that was where her strength originated. She left us Bibles and books full of her notes about God's faithfulness.

How blessed I am to have had her as my mother.

More Reminders....

2011-04-11T08:13:00.001-07:00

Reminders of God's provision flood my mind now that I am actively trying to recall them! While there are many large miracles, there are also many "small" ones that are no less amazing.

Michael and I decided early on in our marriage that a family vacation was something that we would do every year no matter what. His grandma and mother took him to Panama City every year (his dad didn't go), and it was very important to him. As is the case with most people, some years are better financially than others, so sometimes we went on a shoestring, and some years we had a little more cash to shop with, or whatever else we wanted to do. Michael loves the beach, as do I, so we went to Florida or Alabama beaches every year.

Some of our best memories happened when we were on those summer vacations. Whenever we all get together, we inevitably get around to reliving those memories and sharing them with whoever else is around. As we added Patty and Cooper and Heidi to the family, we continued our trek to the beach. Good times!

One of my favorite memories happened back when the kids were pretty small. We had gone to Gulf Shores with our kids, and Michael's sister Jana, and our nephew Heath. It was one of those shoestring years, and we were nearing the end of our week. Funds were low, and we had enough money to finish out the week and get home.

That was back before the hotel had switched over to credit-card-like keys, and they had given us two rather large keys to hold on to for the week. If we misplaced a key, we would have to pay $250 to have the locks changed on the condo. Ouch.

I am kind of OCD about those kinds of things, and all week I had been neurotic about the location of the two keys. It was making me crazy. Of course, of course, we lost a key. We turned that condo upside down, inside out, backward and forward, and couldn't find it.

We all sat down to regroup, and we decided to pray and ask God to show us where the key was. Now, that sounds easy, but there's this little part of me that thought "What if we still don't find it, and we have prayed with our kids?" "What if God doesn't come through?"

After we prayed, we started looking all over again. Within two minutes, we found the key. It was in the fabric liner of a recliner that we had repeatedly turned upside down all morning.

Just another reminder of God's faithfulness and how much He cares for us! Even in the little things.

Forgotten God - Revisited

2011-04-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

I finished it! Alas, sweet Jenny, I would loan it to you, but I downloaded it on the Nook. This is one I will read again and again. There was almost TOO much to digest in this book, and I kept telling myself "Slow down!" as I was reading it! You know, you can't wait to get to the next chapter and the next and the next, but you are quite sure you will never remember all the riches you have learned.

This book was an answer to prayer for me. I had asked God to show me something new, reveal Himself to me in a new way, teach me how to live a life of victory and joy rather than a life of defeat and self-reflection. I discovered that my perspective is indeed wrong alot of the time. I am focusing on what I have NOT done, how I have failed Him. (I am not neglecting the seriousness of our sin and our need for repentance.) Instead, I should be asking God "What will you have me do today?" and then "Enable me to do that"! It is not about what I can accomplish for God, it is about what HE can accomplish through me! When I live this way, my heart is overflowing with what He teaches me, and how He comes through for me over and over again. My day is different because I am seeking the Holy Spirit's help in EVERY SINGLE THING I do. Why would we ever want anything different?

I HIGHLY recommend this book, and would like to do it as a much slower study rather than a quick read. I believe I am merely scratching the service when it comes to my relationship with the Holy Spirit. What about you?

More Reminders....

2011-04-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not going by chronological order in my stories about God's faithfulness: I am going to just tell them as I remember them! One I thought of today was about FCA. (Fellowship of Christian Athletes)

Many years ago, when we only had 2 of our kids and they were pretty small, God started to call us into ministry. There are many things I can tell about that time, but one stands out to me today.

For several weeks, God kept bringing FCA to my mind. I had never been in FCA, nor did I know much about it. If you know me, you know I am the furthest thing from an athlete you will find. So it struck me as ironic that God would nudge my heart in that direction. It became more and more evident to me that God was leading us to start FCA locally, until one day I just couldn't get it out of my mind! That day Michael came home for lunch, and I told him "I know something God wants you to do." I don't know how he felt about that....but he patiently listened as I explained what was in my heart and that I felt God was calling him to be involved in FCA. I still cannot believe how willing Michael was to hear what I had to say, and how willing he was to check into it!

Those were pre-Google days, so we weren't sure where to start. My "get-things-done husband" picked up the phone immediately and called directory assistance. He asked for the state office of FCA for Missouri, and was given a number to call in the Ozarks. He called right away, not knowing who he was going to get. A man answered named Gary Beets, and Michael told him where we lived and that he was interested in beginning an FCA in our area. I watched as Michael's facial expression turned to one of disbelief. They visited a while, with me saying "What! What?" in the background, and finally they ended their call.

Michael told me, with amazement, that Gary was the state director of FCA. The very night before, there had been a meeting at the state headquarters and the leaders had spread out a map of Missouri on the conference table. They had looked at the areas that did not have an FCA ministry, and our area was one of those. They then prayed fervently for someone to step forward and lead in our town. Not kidding. It hadn't even been 24 hours.

That day began a love of FCA in our family. We have been priviliged to work with teenagers directly in our public schools, on a weekly basis. Over the years, we got to take students to camp, (our own kids included) help them pass out Bibles, recruit student leaders to teach their peers, and just generally love on them. What a blessing! While it is great to be in youth ministry in a church, FCA enables coaches to reach students in a school setting and share the gospel right there.

FCA is still going strong in our schools, and now others have stepped up and helped sponsor and support the club. Gary Beets became a trusted friend and spent many evenings in our home sharing what God was doing in FCA statewide. It built our faith, and we felt priviliged to be a part of such a great ministry! Good times!

Reminders

2011-03-31T07:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I attended a women's conference with my lovely daughter, and God really spoke to me in a new way. I went away with many things to ponder and I was blessed more than I can say.

One thing that caught my attention was a reference to God's faithfulness in our lives and how we don't often share that! While Michael and I can recall endless ways in which God rescued us, blessed us, and answered our prayers, I'm not sure we focus on them enough! The speaker suggested we share them with our children often, because they many not know.

Now, we Moyers are storytellers, so I'm thinking we have shared more than most people. When we all get together, we love to reminisce about our family. However, I think it is a great idea to go back and reiterate God's presence and help in our lives. So, as I think of them, I will be writing here some of the examples of God's faithfulness through the years. Some may be small, some more dramatic, but all are precious to our memory!

One that came to my mind this morning happened when we lived in Memphis. Michael and I had been married just a few months, and we were really struggling financially. We were in transition and would only be there 8 months, so I didn't work and Michael was in school. We had one car, and he took it with him every day. We weren't getting paid much, so I bought groceries on $55 for two weeks. On the weekends, as I have told here before, we drove home and ate as much as we could at our parents' houses, and Nannie gave us gas money to get back home. Our tithe was $50 every two weeks.

I don't really remember what unusual expense came up, but we were down to our last $50 bill and I hadn't bought groceries yet! Michael and I discussed it, and we decided to tithe anyway. I'm serious when I say we did not have a pantry full of extra food. We didn't even have any food sitting around that we didn't like but could manage to survive on. (You know, that stuff in the back that you don't know where it came from and you will never cook it, so you end of giving it to the Boy Scouts when they have their food drive.)

We went back to our home church that weekend, and stuffed the offering envelope with that $50 bill. We ate as much as we could hold while we were home, Nannie filled up our car, and we went back to Memphis. I think we ate toast or something like that the next day. It wasn't very filling.

Monday afternoon, I went to check the mail, and there was an envelope from my grandfather. We never got mail, so I was pretty excited! I opened it, and inside was a $50 bill. Not two twenties and a ten, but a $50 bill. There was no note or anything, just a return address on the envelope.

My grandfather had to have mailed that to us before we even needed it! How grateful I am that God knows our needs before we do and provides for us!

Forgotten God

2011-03-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

I just started a new book Francis Chan's "Forgotten God, Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit". Wow. It is unbelievably good! Here's an excerpt:

"It really is an astounding truth that the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. He lives in me. I do not know what the Spirit will do or where He'll lead me each time I invite Him to guide me. But I am tired of living in a way that looks exactly like people who do not have the Holy Spirit of God living in them. (emphasis mine) I want to consistently live with an awareness of His strength. I want to be different today from what I was yesterday as the fruit of the Spirit becomes more manifest in me. I want to live so that I am truly submitted to the Spirit's leading on a daily basis. Christ said it is better for us that the Spirit came, and I want to live like I know that is true. I don't want to keep crawling when I have the ability to fly."

I am only starting Chapter 2, but I am hooked. I have prayed and prayed recently for the very thing he talks about in the above excerpt. Can't wait to read more!

Don't Judge Me!

2011-02-25T09:00:00.001-08:00

Two weeks ago, Michael and I were browsing in Barnes & Noble with some family and friends. We had been discussing the "Nook" and the "Kindle" for some time, and he was just insisting that they would be perfect for me! It seemed really frivolous to get one, with the Public Library only minutes away. PLUS......I am obssessed with researching and comparing products before I commit. It's genetic - you can ask my brother.

That's not the only consideration. I felt truly guilty about CONTRIBUTING TO THE DEMISE OF BOOKS. What if EVERYONE bought an electronic reading device? Would there be a need for "real" books? I mean, seriously, one of my very favorite things to do is curl up with a good book on a rainy day and read until my eyes are blurry. I LOVE the smell of the library, the sound of turning pages, the feel of a book in my hands.

Well, I just couldn't talk Michael out of buying me a "Nook".(I'm not sure I tried very hard!) I opened it and was ready to download books in a couple of hours. JOY!

Now that I have used it some, I can discuss the pros and cons of ownership. I will put them in list form - because I do everything in my life in list form:

Cons first:

Initial cost

The cost of books (anywhere from 99 cents and up)

You have to charge the battery

Definitely miss holding a "real" book

Pros:

Access to ALOT more books

Instant downloads

Screen is backlit which makes reading easy in any light

Portable and very lightweight

AND THE VERDICT IS: I LOVE IT!

The "Nook" hasn't replaced books in my life. There are still some I want to check out from the library and not purchase. The biggest advantage I have noticed is that I have much more opportunities to read! I can browse the catalog, download a book instantly, and start reading. Cool! There are some perks to the Barnes & Noble version, like being able to lend books to other "Nook" owners, access to lots of free books, and in-store specials. I get an email from the store once or twice a week recommending books that I might be interested in.

I still feel guilty for betraying my book-loving roots. What are you gonna do? You gotta change with the times!

Collin news

2011-02-09T05:41:00.001-08:00

For baby news, click on over to:

http://www.micahandpatty.com

Collin Rainey Moyers

2011-02-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

photo taken by Noah Moyers

photo given to me by Micah Moyers

baby courtesy of Micah and Patty Moyers

A Trip to Cowtown

2011-02-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

You know how something really little becomes something really big when you talk about it alot? Well....we had been promising Cooper and Meredyth we would take them to "Cowtown Cafe" for catfish next time they were home, and it just never worked out. Last weekend we just decided it was time and we headed over with some friends for lunch!

As we were driving over (it's about a 25 minute drive) it occurred to me that we may have talked this place up quite a bit. I mean, it is in the middle of a cow pasture---literally. I had actually never been there in the daylight hours. At night, it is lit up with lights and is quite charming.

Pulling into the gravel driveway, we noticed the large dog laying out front. Apparently he (or she) was used to people coming and going, because he didn't move. The building looked more dilapidated than I remembered. I really hoped the food was as good as I remembered!

IT WAS! We had the restaurant to ourselves almost, and the food was excellent. The inside of the restaurant was decorated with hundreds of blue lights, and there was a huge fireplace that I didn't remember. It was very cozy and we lingered over a great meal.

Nine Months and Counting........

2011-01-27T14:15:00.001-08:00

I glanced at my last blog entry, and cannot believe it was on September 2 of last year! That seems like years ago. As I reread the post, I remember exactly how I felt that day.

Since then, we have been through our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, our first trip to my brother's house in Florida, (see above pic), and Dad's birthday without Mom. We survived. We not only survived, we shared moments of joy and happiness as a family. We also shared moments of intense sorrow and pain. The "ambushes" of grief have subsided somewhat, and have been replaced with a steady ache and wounding that will remain, I suppose.

This blog became a "grief blog" to my surprise! There is more to me than grief these days, but one of the biggest events of my life still defines me in any ways. Though I am afraid of being labeled a sad, depressing person, I cannot ignore what changed me.

The picture I posted above is one of the first ones without Mom in them. That was a good day, on the water in Fort Lauderdale touring the bay. My brother and sister-in-law kept us busy so we didn't dwell on what was past. It worked to some degree! We had lots of good food, toured a spectacular historic home in Palm Beach, watched movies, and ate more good food.

I don't ever want to go through something like this again, and yet, I know I will. Perhaps I will be better prepared next time. I continue to confront the emotions week after week in GriefShare. It is difficult, but "leaning into the grief" is recommended and surprisingly, helpful.

Save a Place for Me

2010-09-02T08:17:00.001-07:00

Matthew West - Save A Place from Ransom TV on Vimeo.

Heard this on k-love the other day. It fills me with hope.

Love you, Mom.

Memorial?

2010-08-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

When my girls and I were helping plan Mom's funeral, we wanted to add a special, unique touch. I had seen memorial bookmarks that you could hand out at the visitation or funeral and they had the name of the deceased on the front, along with their favorite Bible verse or quote. Within the bookmark, there were wildflower seeds that would bloom and remind you of your loved one. All you do is plant the bookmark, water often, and watch it grow.

My mom was an amazing gardener and she could make a flat ugly space look like an English, blooming garden in no time. It seemed like a lovely idea to remember her in this way! I imagined beautiful, colorful, fragrant flowers on my patio. I would see them every day from my french doors, and they would make me smile.

Well, I reverently planted the bookmark, dutifully watered it every day, and patiently waited for my flowers. Nothing. Dad gave me a cute little terra cotta bird (can you see it in the picture?) from Mom's garden and I gently placed it in the flower pot. I watered and waited some more. One day, a small green shoot appeared. Victory! To my dismay, it quickly grew into the spindly, ugly weed you see in the picture above!

I must mention that I do not have a green thumb. I have tried, and I have great intentions, but I grow bored with gardening, and I get hot, and I want to go inside. My yard is a "survival of the fittest" zone, and it looks like it. However, even I can water a bookmark!

At first, I was somewhat disappointed in my gardening project. Where were my beautiful, amazing memorial flowers? This might be the ugliest plant I have ever seen! Seriously, this weed or weed-like specimen is supposed to bring me happy memories of my mom?

To my surprise, it does!!!! I do smile when I see it, and I have to laugh when I think about how she would have tried to make me feel better about my efforts. When I go look at her spectacular backyard, I can't help but compare it to my "Dr. Suess-like" plant.

It makes for a great memory.

Hello!

2010-08-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile, because I didn't want to.

It's somewhat ironic that I began my journey through "GriefShare" (a grief recovery and support group), and I decided to quit "sharing". It is yet another phase, I am quite sure. You see, it's just one phase after another on this grief train.

As I was sitting in the group meeting last night, which I cannot tell you about because it is a private, closed meeting, I had a thought out of nowhere. It struck me as absolutely ludicrous, and I do mean ludicrous, that I was watching 13 videos on grief and its' effects AFTER I began to need them.

Think about it. There's True Love Waits to prepare you not to have sex. There's premarital counseling to prepare you to be married and have sex. There are childbirth classes to prepare you for labor. There are conferences to prepare you for sending your kids to school, raising them, sending them to college, letting them go.

So why do we not learn about grief BEFORE it ambushes us and takes our breath away? Why don't we take classes on this huge thing that is as much a part of our lives as birth? Why do we ignore it and pretend it doesn't happen and not talk about it?

As I sat in that small classroom surrounded by people in my situation, it just struck me that we all had come to this meeting because there was nowhere else we could just "be". We were huddled together, as if we were protecting each other from something. As if we had done something wrong. Perhaps we were protecting each other from the outside world. The outside world that did not know what to do with us.

The video talked about how our situation "makes people uncomfortable". They "want to help and don't know what to do".

So, I began to think about that. I have done that. I have avoided people because I just wanted them to be ok. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. I wasn't comfortable with their grief. It makes me want to cry now. God help us!

How on earth can we minister to people who have experienced a great loss if we are unprepared? What happened to me is going to happen to everyone. We are all going to lose someone dear to us. After it happens, you feel numb and shocked and lost and alone and confused and tired. It is not the time to start putting information in your brain. It is not the time to begin to learn the five stages of grief, or the Bible verses that deal with your situation, or even how to put one foot in front of the other.

Let's face it - it is more fun to read about the "miracle of birth rather than the miracle of death." (I doubt that would be a bestseller!) Who would want to think about death before they had to? But.....if I am a believer, aren't I supposed to look forward to death? Aren't I supposed to long for heaven?

How I wish we, I, had been prepared to minister to people going through grief. How I wish I had known their pain and not gone on with my life, pretending this would not happen if I didn't think about it. I don't delude myself into thinking that I could make it better for them, but I could at least understand. I could have not expected them to be ok before they were ok. I could have realized their normal would never be normal again.

A profound statement from last night's video: Healing is not the absence of pain. Wow.

I used to think it was.

A Letter to Baby

2010-06-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hello, little one.

I just found out about you a few days ago, and already I find myself settling into this new "grandma thing". We don't know each other yet, but we will be well-acquainted in time. How awesome that you aren't even born, but you are already very much loved and wanted and dreamed about! How blessed you are to have parents who will raise you with love and discipline and faith!

I am thinking about what I have to offer to you as a grandparent, and the list is varied. I can't offer you the $1800 swing set I saw at Lowe's yesterday, or an in-ground pool, or a college education. What I can offer you is my time and my undivided attention. I can tell you stories about when your daddy was little, and how he filled my heart with joy. (He still does.)

Most important, I can pray for you every single day and teach you about Christ and how He changed my heart. We can read the same "Bible Story Book" that I read with your dad and you can "try to guess the key" just like he did. He was really good at it.

My heart actually physically hurts because you won't know your great-grandma. There are not words to describe how much she loved your mom and dad, and she would adore you. Never fear, I will tell you all about her. Parts of her live on in all of us, so in some ways, you will know her well.

I can't wait to meet you. Our whole family waits in joyful expectation.......

You Gotta Keep Dancin'

2010-05-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

My mom's favorite book was "You Gotta Keep Dancin" by Tim Hansel. I remember seeing it beside her bed on her nightstand. In the notes she had written out for her funeral, there were many, many quotes from the book. She had given away copies to friends over the years, and unfortunately, had loaned out her own book and not gotten it back.

I have been looking for the hardcover edition to buy copies for my kids. I found it on Google books, and was able to browse through the first chapter online. I had read it many years ago, and remembered it is written by a Christian man who was in chronic pain all the time. (like my mom)

This quote, by an unknown author, is in the first chapter:

Sharing

There isn't much that I can do, but I can share my bread with you, and sometimes share a sorrow, too--as on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do, but I can sit an hour with you, and I can share a joke with you, and sometimes share reverses, too--as on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do, but I can share my flowers with you, and I can share my books with you, and sometimes share your burdens, too--as on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do, but I can share my songs with you, and I can share my mirth with you, and sometimes come and laugh with you--as on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do, but I can share my hopes with you, and I can share my fears with you, and sometimes shed some tears with you--as on our way we go.

There isn't much that I can do, but I can share my friends with you, and I can share my life with you, and oftentimes share a prayer with you--as on our way we go.

--------------------

Thanks to you, you know who you are, who share your bread and your sorrow, your time and your flowers and your books, your burdens and your songs and your laughter, your hopes and your fears and your tears, and most of all your lives and your prayers with me. It gets me through each hour. You are a gift.

Mourning

2010-05-06T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have been surprised lately at how many secrets we women keep from each other. As I have posted before, there is a myth circulating among women that life gets easier when your children get older. Not true.

The latest secrets I have uncovered concern grieving. There are so many unknowns in this place I have found myself in. I didn't want to be here, wasn't ready to be here. The advice I receive the most often is "You just have to get through it. Time will help, but it will never really go away." Strangely enough, I find that somewhat comforting. I don't want this feeling to go away. If I let it all go, (I couldn't if I wanted to), it would somehow diminish her and who she was. It would diminish the impact she had on my life.

What I really want is a playbook. Week One: you will feel this. Week Two: you will feel this. On and on.

My grief grabs me at different times and places and takes my breath away. Each day I realize a different way my life has been impacted. My mind plays funny tricks on me. The first time it happened, I was at the florist selecting the flowers for her casket. I couldn't decide on a particular arrangement, (as if it mattered), and I reached for my cell to call Mom and ask her. After all, she is the one who is good with flowers. I nearly fell to my knees as I realized I couldn't ask her. She wasn't there.

I can't ask her what she puts in her chicken ravioli, where Aunt Norma lives now, where to plant the hydrangea someone sent to her funeral. I can't ask her if my new dress makes me look fat, what should I get Dad for Christmas, where did she get that necklace in her jewelry box? From infancy, our mothers are the ones we go to for reassurance, unconditional love, a listening ear, a willing helper. Who fills that place now?

While I want to encourage others, to not be a debbie downer, I'm just not there yet. I'm not angry, not questioning God, not full of regrets, I am just profoundly sad. Each day brings a different feeling, a different realization. And, while it brings me comfort to know she isn't suffering any more, I am astounded by how much I am.

Reality check

2010-04-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe what has transpired in the last week.

The loss of my mom has shaken me to my very core, and changed my life forever. I wasn't ready. People tell me I would never have been ready, and I'm sure that is true. If you ever knew my mom, you know that illness was a part of her life for over 40 years. We have been at death's door with her probably a dozen times, and she always came back to us. This time it just didn't happen.

I know God is sovereign, and her days on earth were numbered by Him before she was ever born. How grateful I am that I had her for so long! I never believed she would see me married, let alone see my babies. How grateful I am that I had such a godly mother!

I wanted so much to stand up at her funeral and share stories of how she shaped my life. I just could not do it. While my heart is joyful for her, for I know where she is, my heart is broken for me and our family. My tears are not for her, they are for me.

Just as I told the story of my life, I want to tell hers. I'm sure there are things I will omit, but I want to write out some of the amazing things she did with me and for me. Some of them will overlap with the stories I have already told, but how could they not? Her story is as much a part of who I am as my own.

I cannot start yet, but soon.

My mom

2010-04-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like my heart is forever broken..........

Living Beyond Myself

2010-04-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

Today I started this Beth Moore study! I accessed it online and ordered the book a couple of weeks ago, but just started today. It's hard sometimes to find a quiet hour to listen to the video and do the workbook, but I am so excited to have this opportunity!

I have only been through the first part of the introduction, but I can already tell that this is going to be a tremendous help. God's timing is always perfect!

The only drawback I can see is that doing it alone leaves me noone to discuss it with when it is fresh in my mind and heart. However, there are distinct advantages as well. I can stop the video and rewind to cement a point in my mind, and I can go at my own pace.

I hope to share here in the coming weeks just what God is teaching me. I have already been reminded through my study today that what God calls me to do is impossible on my own. Living beyond myself requires the Holy Spirit's leading and strength on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. How blessed I am that God not only calls me to live outside my comfort zone - He also equips me to do it!

Our Baby is 17!

2010-04-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

Yes--Noah turned 17 today. I could go on and on about how time flies and how I can't believe he is nearly grown, but today is not about me! It's all about Michael Noah.

Did you know Noah was almost "Noah Christopher"? In fact, that was his name 8 hours before he arrived on this earth. I was scheduled for a C-section on April 9, 1993, but went into labor anyway on the way to the hospital. Our insurance wouldn't allow us to check-in the night before, so we had to be there at 2:30 a.m. Torture. I was in alot of pain, and very scared, and very very tired, and on the way to Cape, I turned to Michael and said "We HAVE to change his name!" Now, this was our third, and he knew by then it's not a good idea to argue with a woman in labor, so he said tentatively "Are you sure?" I was sure. Everyone in our family has a name that starts with "M", and I knew someday Noah would want to know why he wasn't an "M". So, on Highway 55, at 2:00 a.m., he became "Michael Noah". Guess what? I was right. He did ask, and he was content to know he too was an "M".

Strangely enough, there was only one more woman on the maternity floor that Easter weekend. She, too, had a boy. Want to guess what she named him? Noah Christopher.

Because Noah is much younger than his siblings, they have the privilige of remembering him as a baby. Oh my, he was chubby. He was also happy, and funny, and spoiled! Everywhere his brother and sister went, he went. I must say he was easy to raise, because I had so much help.

Cool things I love about Noah:

He loves kids
He is considerate
He plays the tenor sax, the guitar, and the djembe
He isn't afraid to try new things
He opens doors for me
He loves his siblings
He is forgiving
He is a good judge of character
He is has a great sense of humor

There are many more things I love about Noah. He is a huge blessing to us!

Happy Birthday, Son!

The Way of the Cross

2010-04-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

I posted several days ago about my plans on Good Friday to participate in "TheWay of the Cross" celebration in Cape. I learned a little more about the event which is actually in its' tenth year! It is put on by the Downtown Council of Churches every year, and is an interdenominational event.

There were 14 different stations along the route, which began at St. Vincent's Catholic Church. At each station, we stopped and read Scripture leading up to the Crucifixion, and then prayed. At some stations, we sang a hymn. A few of the stops included: the Salvation Army, a fire station, the federal courthouse, and the SEMO River Campus. We were invited to pray for the people serving at these different locations.

It was a beautiful day! We began at noon and finished around 2:30. I must say that I don't recall ever spending so much consecutive time reflecting on Christ's walk to the Cross. It was amazing.

In the picture above are Ron and Hanna from our church. They attend every year, and this picture was in the Southeast Missourian newspaper on Sunday. You can see they are reading through the Scripture for the day.

Beautiful, Beautiful

2010-04-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

Don't know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life
Something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, Beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by your grace

Easter

2010-03-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

I love Easter.

I love the newness of Spring and the Hope of the Cross. I love the dyed eggs, the little girls in new hats and dresses, the little boys in pastel shirts and new shoes. I love the church service which focuses solely on Jesus' death and resurrection, and how that has changed my life.

One thing I loved so much, was dinner at my grandma's house. The whole family gathered together for her famous yeast rolls and the most unusual smorgasboard of foods you have ever witnessed! Now that she is no longer here, it makes the holiday a little bittersweet for me. I really miss her.

This year will be a little different! It's just the three of us, but I'm excited about the weekend. On Friday, Noah and I are going to the event "Walking with Jesus, The Way of the Cross" in downtown Cape. We are going on a devotional walk with friends to remember Christ's walk through Jerusalem. We will stop at local landmarks for reflection and prayer. It is supposed to be a beautiful day outside, and I am really looking forward to it! It will be a first for us.

I will miss our other kids this holiday. They are scattered around: Georgia, Tennessee, Germany. How thankful I am that they are believers!

I wonder: will they eat Mexican food for Easter like we will?

What ministers to you?

2010-03-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

My perception of what actually ministers to others who are hurting has changed somewhat recently. There have been instances in the last several years when I have needed to be consoled or encouraged, and my church family has always been quick to meet those needs. What is bothering me today is.....have I met the needs of others around me to the best of my ability? Was/is there more I could do?

As I have struggled lately, I have realized that there are definitely some approaches that help me more than others. I am going to share those with you, and I hope you will weigh in and tell me the things that helped you most when you were going through a difficult time in your life. My hope is to learn how to best minister to others when they are going through trials.

1) I sometimes thought that it was enough to walk up and say "I'm praying for you" and touch them on the shoulder and keep walking. Ok...maybe I didn't think it was enough. It sure was easy though. The thing is, I wasn't lying. I WAS praying for them. What I have discovered lately: when someone does that to me, I just feel alone.

2) Sometimes I didn't want to ask someone about the difficult situation they were in because I didn't want to remind them of it. Ok - I am going through a difficult situation right now, and I am ALWAYS thinking about it. It may not be in the front of my mind, but it is just right around the surface. If someone asks me about it, it translates into "I care enough to take the time to ask the hard question, even though I don't know what the answer will be". That speaks volumes.

3) I like to send cards, but it felt like a copout. I have discovered that....it isn't. I got a card in the mail last week from someone in my church who is having a family crisis right now, at the same time as me, and she took the time to say she is thinking of me and praying for our family. Wow. I was humbled and encouraged and felt very loved. I am a "card-sender" anyway, but I will definitely be doing that more often.

I would really love it if you would leave a comment about the most meaningful things others have done to minister to you when you needed it most! Also, please share the things that didn't help so much.

Rest? Sign me up!

2010-03-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

The last month my soul has been downcast and weary. Sometimes life takes you places you didn't ever think you would go, and you find yourself asking "How did THIS happen?" You can't rely on yourself for strength, you must go straight to God, because it is so unexpected.

So...when I walked into Sunday School a couple of weeks ago, and heard our topic was rest, I was elated. We are studying the book of Hebrews, and it is speaking to me right where I am. God is good like that. I didn't know I would be standing in this place, but He did.

We were studying Chapter 4 that week, and as we discussed rest and what that means, I glanced down at the study notes in my Bible. Here's what it says:

"The divine promise still holds good: the believer may enter into God's rest through faith. This is true of both salvation and sanctification. Rest in the Christian life comes through complete reliance on God's promises and full surrender to His will."

As I often do, I began to think of what the opposite of that would mean. The opposite would be striving and struggling and questioning. It would mean relying on myself for answers and direction. How fruitless is that?

It is glorious news to me that I can just "rest" in God's promises and will. Every mom feels tremendous pressure to have all the right answers for her children. We feel obligated to know what direction they should take, and to help them find their way out of messes they waded into all on their own. As God tenderly lifts that burden from my shoulders, I hear Him say "I've got this".

Rest.

Part Ten - Finally! - The End!

2010-03-08T08:03:00.001-08:00

My testimony began here.

While I was learning all the lessons God had for me, our family life was busy. There were soccer practices, and dance lessons, and youth activities to attend. There were always lots of kids at our house, and we loved it. And.....God added to our family. While we were quite sure we were finished HAVING children, we were thrilled when JJ came into our life. I have blogged about that before, and if you haven't read it, you can do so here.

I continued to grow through Bible studies: Beth Moore in particular. As I went through "Breaking Free" and "Believing God", God kept healing my heart and showing me the way out of my bondage. That continues to this day.

I wasn't quite sure how to end my testimony. After all, the end hasn't happened yet! There are many things I have left out that have happened to our family over the years, but I really wanted to tell my spiritual journey this time. I thought I would conclude with some big lessons I have learned along the way.

*I have learned that you can never ever stop growing and studying. When I am standing still, I am actually going backwards. It is tempting to rest and be lazy when times are easy, but those easy times never seem to last.

*I have learned how necessary and valuable it is to have Christian friends. Michael and I began meeting with four other couples several years ago when our church was in transition. We would pray for our personal needs and support each other in our Christian walk. It changed my life! We are now meeting with a different group, our third, and it is a huge part of our life. These are the people we go to when we are desperate, or hurting, or rejoicing. They are not afraid to wade in to our messes with us. They love us when we are not easy to love. I could not make it without these precious people!

*I have learned to pray very specifically. While I have always prayed, I sometimes prayed generic prayers that I never knew were answered. Prayers like "be with me" or "bless us" were fine, but now we pray that God will move in specific situations and make His presence known. Michael and I keep a prayer journal with prayer requests for each of our children and we update it regularly. I can't even begin to count the answers we have received. God is good!

*I have learned that I am not in control--and I like that! How foolish to even think we are in control of anything in our lives. It is comforting to recognize and "give up" that need to direct and manipulate our path. Just knowing that God knows best what I need and how to get me there is amazing.

*I have learned that there is no way I can be a good mom without God's help. Nearly every day, situations arise that require me to help my kids, or give advice, or know when to listen. Sometimes I am tempted to rush ahead and rely on my own experiences or knowledge. I have to slow down and seek God's wisdom and ask for discernment at every turn. My job, as a mom especially, is to point my children to Christ. They need to know that I don't have all the answers, and God is my refuge.

*I have learned to be transparent. That's a big change. It was hard, and still is. When I try to be transparent, Satan is always there to whisper to me "don't do it. they won't understand. they will hate you and laugh at you." Ouch. When I push through and show others who I really am, God always rewards that. I am surprised by the grace others extend to me when I let them in.

*Lastly, I have learned that God's grace is sufficient. When I don't think I have enough grace to survive a situation, He comes through with more. Praise God!

Part Nine.....Noah

2010-02-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

Despite all the things I was dealing with in relation to my biological dad, we were insanely happy! I LOVED motherhood, and making a home, and being a wife, and working in my church. I was still running a day care in addition to taking care of my own kids. It was hard, but our house was full of laughter and joy.

Michael and I had known for many years that our family was not complete. I had a C-Section with Meredyth, and was offered a free tubal ligation. (kind of like a "two-for-one" deal!) We turned it down, because we knew God had more children for us. Believe it or not, we received alot of criticism for wanting more! We only had two! But...we had one of each: a boy and a girl, and people considered that a "perfect family". Why would we want more?

We ignored all the well-meaning advice and skepticism, and decided to have another baby. I had two healthy pregnancies, so we figured we would have no problems getting pregnant. Well....it didn't happen. And....it didn't happen. After about 2 years of trying, it still didn't happen.

I heard it everywhere! I had TWO children! Why would I want more than that? I had the so-called "perfect family"! (whatever that is) I began to feel selfish for wanting more. I was also pretty confused because we knew God had told us we would have more children.

We decided to seek help and went through lots of testing. I will spare you the specific results here, but it was going to be difficult for us to have a baby. My doctor suggested a few months of a fertility drug to see if, by some strange chance, it would happen to work. It was an inexpensive option, and an easy one, so we agreed. I was given four months worth of pills, and told that it would either work in that time or not. After three months of hoping, it still hadn't worked. We pretty much knew we were not going to get pregnant. But then, month number four, we found out it had worked! We hoped there were multiples on the way, at least twins, but we were happy with one.

It was one.....precious baby.....Noah. We were ecstatic! We were also very sure we were finished having children. It was a difficult pregnancy from the beginning, and as we prayed for direction, we knew God was telling us this was it for us. We were at peace with it.

I never meant for my children to be so far apart in age. I am very close to my brother, who is 3 years younger than me, and I desperately wanted that for my children. I need not have worried! From the minute Noah was born, Micah and Meredyth adored him. The three of them, though very different in temperament, were loving and selfless toward each other. I prayed, and continue to pray, that they will keep that bond.

Because I had been put on bedrest with my last pregnancy, I had given up my day care. I was now a stay-at-home mom with just my own kids each day. I went from having 5 or 6
children a day, plus mine, to just my 3. I felt like I was on vacation!

Michael knew teaching school was not going to provide a living for us, and he was ready for a new challenge, so he had switched jobs and got into sales. He had found his niche! He LOVED his job, and I loved mine.

My walk with God was good. I was learning and growing and I felt I had resolved so many things from my past. As I asked God to reveal the things I needed to know, one thing kept coming up over and over. Although I served God and studied the Bible, and went to church, there was a "disconnect" somehow. I had learned that God loved me, but actually, in all honesty, I had never truly known that love. It concerned me. I had no problem relating to God as a sovereign, omnipotent, jealous, reigning God. I understood that I was a sinner, and didn't deserve His grace. I was just missing that personal, loving part of the relationship. It made me really sad. I prayed and prayed that God would show me what I was missing.

Please be patient as I explain this. It may be difficult to understand, and possibly the source of much controversy.

As I listened to our pastor (Bro. Tom) one Sunday morning, he began to talk about our relationship with Christ and our salvation. He said (I paraphrase) that Jesus Christ's blood was sufficient to cover all of our sins. If we were hanging on to our sin, saying that our sins were too great or we were too awful to be forgiven, then we were saying His blood wasn't enough. It was wrong, and it was pride. Bingo.

It took me a while to sort it out, but there was my answer. Let me explain. Many times when children go through abandonment by a parent, or childhood trauma, they think it is somehow their fault. Satan uses it to accuse and condemn and isolate. As I said before, I had struggled with that most of my life. You feel the pressure to be perfect, lest anyone find out who you really are and agree--you are worthless. Wow.

Here may be the controversial part: That's why I feel we must be balanced in the view we present to others of who God is. While some people are full of pride and don't realize their need for God, there are many others who know they need God. They know they can't make it on their own. They just can't believe that God would want to redeem them.

Recently I was listening to Natalie Grant sing"I'm in Better Hands Now", and there's a line that says "You can't love if you don't love yourself". It sounds pretty new age on the surface. However, the line might be better written "You can't love if you hate yourself", and when I hear the whole song, I think that is what she meant. (although, it doesn't sound as good!)

I'm not talking about hating your sin. That's a given. We are required to do that. However, after we are saved, we are changed competely. Our worth is found in Christ. I was allowing Satan to keep throwing up my past to me, telling me I was unredeemable, although I knew in my head that wasn't true.

It might sound strange to those who have not experienced it, but unfortunately I have known many kids with the same issue. They just can't get past it. I was so blessed that God saved me in spite of my messed-up thought processes!

....more tomorrow....any thoughts?

Part 18829 (just kidding)

2010-02-19T21:10:00.001-08:00

After serving a year as interim youth pastor, the church found a permanent full-time replacement for Michael. We really wanted to continue in that ministry, and even applied to do just that, but the church desired someone full-time. We wondered--what's next? We knew youth ministry was our passion.

It was about that time that God told me we were going to Trinity Baptist. Now.....I don't know how He told me. I just knew. I'm not sure why God told me first, except perhaps it was because I didn't want to go, and He wanted me to get used to the idea. We had never even discussed that, or been approached by anyone, and Michael thought I was crazy. He thought I was crazy until.....someone from Trinity approached us. It wasn't that I didn't like their church, I was just really comfortable where I was! I loved the people we worshiped with, and I wasn't eager to change that. Trinity was looking for a youth pastor, and a bivocational one at that, and we both KNEW God was calling us there. We went to Trinity.

We settled in the youth group with our 2 youth, (not kidding), and began to build relationships with our fellow church members. Here's some irony for you: my Bible Study teacher was Barbara, who was my mom's Sunday School teacher many many years before at another church! I felt an instant connection with her, and began to learn so much. I see why God instructs older women to teach the younger women. I couldn't get enough of her wisdom and she began to teach me to be more open and to rely on God for everything. It was a slow process, but a fruitful one.

After we had been there about a year, our pastor asked me to give my testimony in front of the church one Sunday morning. Wow. I don't really like for people to look at me, and I don't like to speak in front of large groups, and I had never done that before! How do you turn that request down, though? I mean, I'm the youth pastor's wife, and I am supposed to have it all together, right? So I made an outline and prayed alot, and told the highlights. The funny thing was, I had thought alot about what I would say in the beginning, and what I would say in the middle, but not so much how to end it. I got to the end, and I said "God was calling me to forgive my dad, as He forgave me," and I had nothing more to say. I kind of awkwardly and emotionally ended it there. I ended it there because that was where I was stuck.

You know what? I was sick of being stuck. I begged God to teach me how to be rid of all my junk. God was faithful, and He began to teach me. I began to see that God required ALL of me. I thought I had given him that. But there was just this "little part" of me that was full of self-pity, and self-loathing, and anger, and unforgiveness, and I thought I deserved to hold on to that. Why would I want to hang on to that?! I don't know.

Slowly, patiently, God led me forward. I didn't even know how to go about removing myself from that pit. God did, though. In one study we did, God taught me a huge truth. The study was about recovery from trauma (I don't even know which study it was) and our walk with God through it. One chapter was about our parents, and how God chose our parents for us......and there I stopped. I can see why God would give me my mom. She was brave and smart and took care of me. I can see why God would send us my stepdad/dad. He provided us a home and stability and showed me that godly men existed.

Why, oh why, would God give me a biological father who He knew wouldn't love me?

You have to know that I believed with all my heart that God was sovereign. At some point, though, I got all twisted in my thinking about my dad. I always wondered why God wouldn't rescue me from the situation, why He wouldn't make it all go away. It was a totally new concept to me that He had known my pain, He had allowed it, and He had given me the strength to come through it. I remember that we started a Beth Moore study, and in it she required us to write out a timeline of our life with all the major events on it. We then had to go back and write in how God was faithful each and every time, and how He led us to where we were. As I did that, I could see God's hand in every single part of my life. I could suddenly see that everything that Satan meant for evil, God meant for good. My dad didn't make me who I was, God took all those ugly things and made me who HE wanted me to be. He was there the whole time! Hallelujah!

I knew I had to let go of the unforgiveness, but I just didn't know how. God began to teach me that forgiveness is a choice, and the emotions come after the obedience. All I knew to do was stop thinking unforgiving thoughts, and begin praying specifically that God would save my dad and bless him. Honestly, I didn't really feel it at first. I don't even know if I meant it. I just knew the forgiveness was for my benefit, not just my dad's.

And...I began to let it go. It wasn't a quick process, or an easy process, or one I succeeded at every day. But it was a start.

.....more later.....

Part Seven....

2010-02-16T14:29:00.000-08:00

I did not realize that God was leading me to a place of healing. Perhaps if I had realized that, I wouldn't have resisted so much. My life was so incredibly full of all the things I had ever wanted! I had a home, a wonderful godly husband, and two precious, precious children. I kept on searching for answers, but in the meantime.....

Michael had become increasingly restless at his job, and knew God was moving him on to something new. He began to pray for a "challenge" (that was scary) and surrendered himself to anything and everything God had in mind for him. After a short time, a job came open at the high school for an electronics teacher, and he applied. His interview was actually the same exact day we had Meredyth, so he postponed and was the last to interview. We prayed and prayed for God's will, and Michael got the job out of 11 applicants. He was the only one who did not have a college degree--God was doing something for sure. It was the beginning of a huge change in our lives.

A year later, Michael's grandmother had become ill and was moving out of her home, and we made the decision to buy it. In order to do that, I opened a home day care. I had been keeping a little girl already, but we knew I would have to "expand my operation" to keep more children if we made the move. I was happy to do it. I loved kids, and the new home was more than suitable for the business.

Time went by, and things were great. Michael was even offered a chance to coach football-his dream-and we loved watching him coach. My struggles with my past were always there in the background, but I was so busy, I could keep it all out of my mind for the most part.

We were both 27 years old when the youth minister at our church decided to leave. We had been involved in youth, and it was a real passion for us. Imagine our surprise when the search committee came to Michael and asked him to consider being the interim youth minister! He was thrilled! Me....well....I was scared. I was so proud of Michael, and I knew this was where God had been leading. We both knew. I was just really scared for my kids. My old insecurities were surfacing again, and I was worried that our family would suffer. I am embarassed to admit that, but I have admitted alot of stuff here, so why not? My biggest motivation was to keep my kids from EVER feeling slighted or unloved or insecure like I did.
I underestimated my God and my husband.

I knew I had to keep moving toward a resolution to my childhood. I got another great idea (idea #2) and decided that I would write my dad a letter. By that time, he was living in another state, and I knew my grandma knew where he was. In my letter, I poured out all the hurt, all the disappointment, and I sent it off with hopes that my dad would finally take ownership of what he had done. In my imagination, I pictured him being devastated and begging my forgiveness. I already KNEW God was calling me to forgive him. I KNEW IT. I just couldn't let it go. Rather, I didn't want to let it go. How could I say that what he had done was ok? If he was sorry, truly sorry, well perhaps THEN I could forgive him.

Oh, if only it worked that way. It would be so much easier. But God doesn't just call us to forgive the ones who deserve it--does he? He was calling me to forgive no matter what, just as He has forgiven me.

Weeks later, I DID get a letter back from my dad, to my surprise and trepidation. I rushed inside and tore it open, heart pounding, thinking he finally would profess his paternal devotion and.....it didn't happen. The letter was brief, and in it he took no responsibility for what he did. None. In fact, the words were only about how hard it had been for him, how his life had been wrecked, how it wasn't his fault. Seriously?!?! Now what do I do???

And I told no one. I was embarassed that I had this need to connect with my dad. I was also angry. I kept thinking: "It isn't fair! Why did this happen to ME?" Perhaps the anger was just a step in my grieving process. It actually felt better to be angry than to continue in my self-pity. Little did I know, God was about to do some major work in my heart.

....to be continued....

Part six......Motherhood

2010-02-12T19:22:00.001-08:00

Motherhood was all I hoped for and more. I was very big on schedules, and Micah adapted well. Michael was/is the best father I have ever known! He took Micah with him everywhere he went, and played with him non-stop.

After two years, it came time to re-enlist or move home. We could have chosen our next duty station if we had stayed in the Navy, but we knew we wanted to move back to our hometown. We missed the slower pace of a small town, and we wanted our kids to be surrounded by their grandparents and their aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I'd like to say we prayed about what church we would join when we came back home, but we didn't. We just jumped back in to the church we attended as youth, and tried to find a place to serve. We plugged in with the youth and nursery, but something just didn't fit. After a while, we felt God calling us to move on. We decided to visit other churches--praying for God's direction this time. We joined another church, First Baptist, and wondered what was God's plan for us next.

Michael was working at Malone & Hyde in the print room at that time. We decided to add to our family, God willing, and I became pregnant after about a year. We bought a small house, and decorated the nursery. We didn't want to know the sex of the baby, but we painted the nursery blue. We really had no preference, we just both thought we would have another boy.

(Stay with me, this is all relevant)

On April 29, 1987, to our surprise, we delivered Meredyth Gail. She was beautiful! It was a particularly rough delivery, and I ended up having a C-section after 26 hours of labor. I was very tired, and very hormonal, and in alot of pain. And...I was about to be blindsided.

I woke up the next day, and heard my new baby girl crying. I looked over, and saw Michael gently pick her up, take her over to the window, and say "What is it beautiful baby girl? Don't cry! I will give you the whole world!" (yes, he really did say exactly that. if you know him, you aren't surprised)

At that moment, everything I had buried from my past came rushing at me. Perhaps it was because my guard was down, and I was exhausted and weak, I don't know. I just know that I looked at them and immediately realized everything I had missed with my own dad. I saw the tenderness Michael felt for our baby girl, and in my heart I knew I would never experience that. My dad had never loved me like that, and I knew he never would.

I was numb. I sunk into a deep depression, but nobody really knew. I had a painful recovery ahead, and I slept alot, so my family just thought it was the labor and delivery. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. I just kept thinking that I should be over that by now, and no one would understand. I couldn't even pray.

I knew I had to overcome this. I had two children to take care of, and I couldn't hide indefinitely. I came up with this great idea. My step-dad had always wanted to adopt my brother and me, but we would have had to prove my dad was unfit to be a parent. It would have been easy to prove, but I just couldn't do it. I was an adult now, and I didn't need permission any more. Somehow I convinced myself that it would erase everything that had happened, and I could move on.

We went through the process, and finalized it in court. I received a new birth certificate in the mail, and had a new dad. Now, the thing is, my step-dad already was my dad. We had a great relationship, and he was the only father I had ever known. It was a right thing to make that legal. I have no regrets about that at all. The problem was, it didn't change what had happened to me. It didn't stop the pain in my heart. I should have poured out my emotions and disappointments to God, but I didn't. I don't know why. I hadn't learned yet to rely on Him for everything. In my mind, He was distant, and I had to figure this out on my own. It was a hard time.

...wow, I'm tired...all this remembering...

Part Five

2010-02-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could say that at that point in my life, God delivered me and my issues went away. Alas, they did not. I still had a long road to healing ahead of me, but what Satan meant for evil, God meant for my good! Hallelujah!

I have thought alot (through the night) about what I want to say at this point. Please hear my heart here.

Because my parents divorced, my view of God was altered. Because my dad chose to walk away, my view of God was altered. I am not alone. After years and years of ministering to children of divorce, I have seen what it does to them. Sometimes divorce is inevitable, and in my mom's case, it definitely was. The stress of her marriage destroyed her health, and I believe my dad might possibly have ended her life if she had stayed. She rescued our family by sending him away.

However, I believe that because divorce is so commonplace today, we have watered down the effect it has on our children. I do NOT say this to condemn people who are divorced. I say this because we fail to minister to these children, thinking they will be ok. As a society, we share custody, and divide up assets, and never realize that the children will pay the ultimate price. Here is what I know: (I say this with tears running down my face)

The family is the very foundation beneath a child's feet. When his parents divorce, and one parent leaves, they have nothing to stand on. The pain of that will never go away, and it will influence the decisions they make, the way they feel, the way they view their heavenly Father, their future relationships. That does NOT mean that God does not heal and fill that broken place in their heart. The consequence just doesn't go away for them.

I believed in God, and I was His child. I loved Him, and I trusted Him. However, I did not feel His love for me. I did not have one of those experiences in which God had to deliver me from my pride and humble me. I already knew I was a sinner. I already knew I was worthless. My dad sealed that for me when he chose to walk away. I always felt that if I had just been better, or more, or whatever, I could have changed what happened. I know, it's ridiculous, but Satan bombarded me with those messages.

At that point in my life, I continued to serve in my church, growing in knowledge, singing in the choir, and loving my church family. I put aside my questions, and concentrated on my husband and our life together. I had never lived in a city, and there were unlimited things to do and see and experience!

After a year in New Orleans, we began to talk about having a baby. I know, I know, I was only 19 years old. But.......I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. Nothing else. I wanted it so badly, but I believed it would never happen for me. For some reason, I believed that God would never give me the one thing I wanted most. I had been volunteering with my church at the Baptist Home for unwed mothers, and I longed to take a baby home or have one myself.

So....we made the decision to try to have a baby, believing it wouldn't happen or it would take a long time. I got pregnant in about a week. Wow.

I was scared to death, but elated! God gave me an intense desire to be a godly wife and mother, and I set out to learn EVERYTHING I could about those two things. I went back to the public library and the church library, and I read everything about parenting that I could get my hands on. Of course, some of it was crap, but I sorted through it all, and in between I BEGGED God to give us a healthy home. I knew that I could pass down my issues and insecurities to my kids without ever meaning to. There were many godly mothers in my church, and I watched them and asked them questions.

I don't say all this because my mom was not a great mom. She was. She was a strong and independent and brave woman. She still is. My stepdad was loving and faithful. But my family was still broken. I desired an intact, healthy family. I wanted to lean on my husband, and not be afraid he would leave. I wanted God to be the center of everything in our home.

I cannot express how much we wanted this baby. Finally, after nine months plus two more long weeks past his due date, we delivered a beautiful baby boy: Micah Blake. I experienced love in a way I had never ever experienced it before--as a mother. Amazing.

....more tomorrow....

Part 4 - Married Life

2010-02-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

Our original plan was to marry in June, but apparently the military didn't schedule training around weddings! (ha!) So we switched to February. That left us about two months to put together a wedding, but honestly, I didn't much care about the wedding. I just wanted to be married to Michael. He was three weeks short of his 19th birthday, and I was 18 and a half. All of my friends were in college, joining sororities, partying with friends, enjoying being on their own. I'm sure they thought we were crazy to be getting married so young--crazy or pregnant. Neither was true!

On February 7, 1981, we were married in front of about 250 people. We had three weeks together before I had to put Michael on a Greyhound bus bound for Chicago and boot camp. (that sounds like a country song) We took a very short honeymoon so we could prepare for his departure.

It was beyond awful to say goodbye. Michael's dad and I stood with him at the bus station and cried. Of course, the day was overcast and depressing. I can still remember how empty and alone I felt as I watched the bus pull away.

In about a week, I received a postcard from boot camp saying he had arrived safely. He was not allowed to put anything personal on the card, just sign his name. After several weeks, he was able to call me on Sunday mornings. He would stand in line outside the phone booth, in the freezing cold, and wait for his turn to call. We could talk for 3 minutes at a time, with a guy yelling out the time countdown in 15 second intervals. After our 3 minutes were up, he would go to the back of the line and wait his turn again. He did that as many times as they would let him, and I waited by the phone never knowing if he would get to call again. (wow, that sounds really sad and dramatic when I write it)

The months seemed to drag by, but eventually the end of May rolled around. My in-laws and I went to graduation, and Michael and I got to spend the weekend together. After that, we said goodbye one more time. It was easier this time, because we knew within a month or so we would be together again.

In June, we were sent to Memphis for Michael's training as an avionics technician. He studied day and night, but at least we were together. I would like to say we joined a local church, but most weekends we drove home to visit because we were hungry. Yes, hungry. We weren't making alot, and we only had one car, so I couldn't get a job. We enjoyed going to our home church when we were in town.

After a few months, Michael was asked to write down four duty stations he would like to go to-with no guarantees that he would get any of them. Our last choice was New Orleans, and well, we got New Orleans. Bummer.

In January of the next year, we moved to Louisiana and the land of the Saints. I felt like I had moved to a foreign country. In some ways, New Orleans IS like a foreign country! We knew we had to get involved in a church right away, and we visited Calvary Baptist down the street. It was a very large church, with two services and an ambitious building program. The very night after we visited on Sunday, two men from the church showed up at our apartment just to say welcome and they were glad we visited. We prayed about it, and joined the next Sunday.

I loved my church! Michael soon began teaching a class of men. I had a fantastic Sunday School teacher, and I learned so much from my pastor. I also signed up for a library card at the public library, and I started reading everything I could get my hands on: biographies, autobiographies, fiction, non-fiction, history, religion. I had always loved to read, but I felt like I couldn't read enough! One day, I came upon a book entitled "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and checked it out. It rocked my world.

Now, you have to know that until then, I had a pretty good dose of denial going. I had decided as a teenager that my upbringing WAS NOT going to affect my life. It was working for me--until I read that book. It listed characteristics of these adult children, and I found myself in every line. I was devastated, shattered, saddened, scared. I thought I had been delivered from all of that, and yet, there it was. Who was I? Did I become who I was meant to be, or did my dad's addiction make me who I was? I went from despair to anger, then to fear. It's true. The sins of the father ARE passed on to his children.

Let me stop here and say I never meant for this to be so long. It's just hard to leave certain things out when I know they are relevant.

I will keep going.......tomorrow.

Part three...

2010-02-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

Before and after my dad's second marriage, he made the decision not to support us in any way. He refused to pay child support, and would leave his job if he thought my mom might get any of his paycheck. A couple of times I heard her ask for help--when I needed glasses, for example, and he refused. He felt it wasn't his responsibility. On occasion, though, he would come and get my brother and me for an overnight visit. After his second divorce, he lived in a small apartment in town. He began taking us to bars with him, and told us not to tell mom. I don't know why we didn't! I guess we just kept hoping that he would change. One night he took us to a woman's house that we had never met before, and left us with her to go out drinking all night. (He had met her in a bar) Soon after that, we told our mom and she gave him definite boundaries of where he could and could not take us. He took that as a way out, and we didn't see him much after that.

We settled into a routine, and made some new friends, and life was peaceful. My mom had saved up money to get a car, and she met a man at the dealership and began to date him. (It's really weird to see your mom date, by the way) We began to attend his church, and I joined the youth. We hadn't been there long, when my mom encouraged me to go to camp with the group. I wasn't excited about the trip, because I didn't know anyone very well. However, camp ended up changing my life!

It was at camp that I first understood what a difference Jesus could make in my life. I remember very well the words the camp pastor said: "You can try and control your own life, or you can give your life over to Christ and know that He is in control. He will never leave you, and His will is always best." It was as if he were speaking only to me. Although I was young, I knew without a doubt that my scars would lead me in the wrong direction. I knew my heart and emotions were so damaged that I was going to end up in a mess without Christ. I went forward that day, and gave my life to Him. It wasn't until much later that I would deal with all the pain that was so much a part of who I was.

I went back home and threw myself into my church activities. I loved singing in the youth choir and being part of a community of believers! They became my extended family. My mom made the decision to marry, with my blessing and my brother's. All of a sudden, I had three step-brothers and a step-dad. It was an adjustment.

When I was a freshman in high school, I went to a dance with a really cute guy who sat in front of me in science. I wasn't one of those girls who always had a boyfriend. I actually thought that was a waste of time at our age, and I just hung out with groups of friends. But....I really liked this guy. We began to "date", which involved his grandmother taking us places and picking us up. It wasn't long before I knew, and told my mom, I was going to marry him one day.

Ok. I know that sounds really stupid, and love just doesn't normally happen that way. But it DID happen that way. When I was 16 years old, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with Michael. In fact, he asked me to marry him "someday" when we were both 16. We actually dated and broke up several times after that, but we always got back together. We had a great time in high school--hanging out with friends, and going to dances and football games.

There was one problem. Michael was Methodist, and I was Baptist. We had talked at length about what we believed, and there were no major differences. We strongly believed we should attend the same church and be the same denomination. I invited him to my church, and to be honest, it freaked him out a little. His experiences in the Methodist church were much more scripted and there was little emotion in their services. My church was just the oppposite. Our pastor's wife had just found out she had lung cancer, and we spent the evening praying for her at the altar and crying with her. It was definitely not what Michael was used to!

So...one Sunday we attended my church, and the next week we attended his church. We did that for about a month, and then one Sunday as we were sitting in the Methodist church, we looked at each other at the same time and said "This isn't where we should be". I won't tell Michael's testimony here, but I will say he joined my church and later realized that, although he had been confirmed, he had not ever really accepted Christ as His Savior.

After we graduated from high school, Michael's parents made the decision to send him away to Dallas to school. They felt it best to split us up. He would live with his sister and go to college there. There was no money for me to go to college, so I got a job at a bank during the day and worked at a sports store at night to keep me busy. I loved both my jobs, but I missed Michael horribly. In October, we couldn't stand being apart any more. I picked him up at the airport without telling anyone, and we went shopping for an engagement ring. Michael went to the recruiting station and joined the Navy on a delayed entry. We then told our parents we were getting married in February. That went over well. (kidding)

....more later......

Part Two.....

2010-02-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if God even heard my prayers, but it was such a relief to think He did. Things just continued to escalate in our home. My dad's drinking was out of control. I remember looking out the front window of our home and seeing him pull into the driveway in his work truck, open the door to get out, and fall on the ground and just lay there. It was quite embarassing to have all the neighbors see this. I was so afraid he was going to run over one of the kids in the street on his way home.

I will jump ahead a little to my parent's decision to separate. I was still in elementary school. My dad had been unfaithful many times, and my mom had held our family together as long as she could. Her health was getting progressively worse, and I'm sure she was terrified to go it alone, but she knew we needed some peace. I'm not sure why, but my dad resisted the divorce. He would show up at our house and threaten to kill my mom. In his anger, he cleaned out the bank accounts, took the only car, and left us with nothing but a house that was fully mortgaged.

My mom had been a stay-at-home mom from the beginning, so things changed drastically as she began to work. She was on crutches at that time because the RA had settled in her knees, so finding a job was a challenge. She managed to secure two temp secretarial postitions, and then all three of us cleaned offices at night. It was an adjustment for my brother and I to come home to an empty house, but we managed. Money was tight, and we didn't always have enough to eat, but we could finally sleep without fear. My mom took us to any free events she could find: baseball games, barbeques, etc. We were content.

We began attending church as soon as my dad left. We settled in at Murray Lane Baptist, and made some great friends. I began to learn more and more about God and His nature, but I knew nothing about a personal relationship with Christ.

My dad, in the meantime, decided to marry my mom's best friend. Ouch. She had two young girls who were like sisters to me. We would go over to visit them, and my dad would "play house" and "play family" with them, and it would just kill me inside. I remember thinking "What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me. Dads are supposed to love their kids." Years later, they too divorced and I found out he hadn't been a good father to them either. At the time, it didn't seem that way.

Wow. This is lengthy. Hang in there.........

My story - The Beginning

2010-02-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a story. Because Jesus Christ is my Savior, I also have a testimony. I have given that testimony publicly in a condensed way twice. The first time, my pastor asked me to speak in front of our church about ten years ago. At that time, he didn't know much about my history, so he was surprised by what I shared. Last year, our church started a new group called "Ladies' Legacy". The women of the church would meet in someone's home once a quarter and a few women would tell their testimonies. It was a great way to get to know each other better, as well as support each other in our own spiritual journey. I told my story there to about twenty women, and it was a safe and supportive place to do so.

After each occasion, I found that there were definitely things I had left out. I didn't do that on purpose, but it is just very difficult for me to speak about myself. It is also hard for me to speak in public. I was raised in a time when people didn't "air their dirty laundry". I still struggle to share personal things from that time. In my head I just keep hearing "noone is interested in that". I persevere in telling my testimony only because there are so many miracles that God has performed in my life, and I don't want to omit any of them.

In an effort to fully tell my spiritual journey, I decided to record it here. It is pretty lengthy, so I will tell it in smaller pieces.

Part One:

I was born into a family that was not Christian. My mom says she attended church when she lived at home with her parents, but when she decided to marry my dad, he did not attend a church. They were married very young, and knew when they married that they would be unable to have children due to some health problems my mom had.

They were married in July of 1961, and well-surprise! I was born to them in July of 1962. My mom says she was overjoyed that they could have a child, and she had a baby again in July of 1963. She, however, only lived two days. My brother was born in July of 1965.

My dad was a very hard worker, and he threw himself into his job as a route salesman. Money was tight, I understand, and I was pretty sick as a baby. My dad soon developed a habit of stopping off for a quick beer with his coworkers on the way home from work, as he felt he deserved that break. I'm not sure how long it took for alcohol to take hold of him and become an addiction, but at some point it took over as his priority.

We moved alot when I was little, and finally settled down in one place when I was seven. My dad had a really good management job, and my mom was a homemaker. It was around this time in my life that my mother became chronically ill with rheumatoid arthritis.

My elementary school years were hard. My dad was drinking very very heavily, and our family life was in chaos. I'm not sure I knew how messed up things were at that time! This was our "normal" and I didn't really know that other families didn't live as we did. I remember that my dad was often physically and verbally abusive. He flew off the handle with little provocation, and we walked on eggshells most of the time. He repeatedly told us "Get away from me, I don't even like kids!" He hit my mom, who I knew sometimes baited him to keep him away from us.

My brother and I were/are extremely close, and I felt an overwhelming need to protect him from whatever I could. Noone else really knew what was going on in our home, or if they did they didn't intervene.

I had one of my first experiences with church that I can remember when I was still in elementary school. My dad worked some on Sundays, so he didn't allow us to go to church. I was surprised when he let me go with my friend and her parents who lived down the street.
They attended a general Baptist church a couple of blocks away. I don't remember the sermon, but I sure remember the invitation! The pastor begged people to come forward, and he posed the question of where would you go if you died that day. Hmm...I didn't know much about religion or God, but I knew I wasn't going to heaven. I was the most painfully shy child you would ever meet, but I had to go forward. I just had to. There was alot of rejoicing in the church, but I didn't really know what it was all about. I suppose my friends' parents spoke to mine at some time about my trek down the aisle, but I didn't follow through with my "decision" and wasn't baptized. I was pretty confused.

That event did begin to shape my views of God, however. I learned enough that Sunday to realize that God is "all-knowing" and "all-powerful". In other words, there was Someone out there who was in control and had the power to change any situation. I really had noone to talk to, so I began to talk to God in my room all the time.

.....to be continued......

New (to us) Van

2010-02-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

I don't really care what I drive. Having grown up in a house with a dad who sold cars, I learned early on that cars are depreciable assets and not to tie up money in them. I have been very happy with my old reliable Windstar, and planned to drive it until the tires fell off. Literally.

That was the plan until last month! After taking the van in to see why we had no oil but also had no leak, we were told that we needed a new engine. Bummer. I'm not a genius, but I know it just isn't smart to put a new engine in a ten year old vehicle!

After much prayer, we just decided to keep putting oil in the old van and see where God would lead. A few weeks later, we discovered a dear friend had this newer Windstar on his lot, so we prayed about it before we ever drove it. You know how it is: cars are like puppies! If you pick one up, you end up taking it home!

Everything fell into place. It was amazing. So now we own a 2002 Windstar with only 60,000 miles on it. (Our other van had 134,000+) It has many more options than our old van did. I have to keep reminding myself it is not brand new!

We are really and truly thankful that God is concerned with our day-to-day stuff.

Extraordinary Measures

2010-01-26T05:28:00.000-08:00

If you want to see a movie about "real-life heroes", this is your movie! This was my pick for the weekend, not Michael's, but we both loved it. It was hard to believe that you weren't watching the actual events as they happened. The characters were so believable!

Most people I have talked to haven't even heard of this movie! I am always drawn to stories based on actual events, so the trailer caught my attention the first time I saw it. Had to drive to see it-but it was worth it!

Bye, Bye Telephone

2010-01-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

We did it. We have been talking about getting rid of the house phone for some time, but I kept talking Michael out of it. I don't know why. It's just that we have had the same number for 22 years, and I like that number. (I know you are laughing)

So if you need to reach us, call our cells, or post on our wall, or send us an email, or write us a letter!

You On a Diet (actually Me On a Diet)

2010-01-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading "You on a Diet" by Dr. Oz, and am learning a great deal! We have his other book, "You the Owner's Manual", and found it to be a great resource.

For those wanting to lose weight and stay healthy, this book is invaluable! It isn't necessarily an easy read, but it's definitely worth your time. I have learned more about nutrition in this one book than in all the books and articles I have ever read on the subject!

Knowing how different foods affect the chemicals in your body can help you work WITH it and not AGAINST it. Dr. OZ explains why simple sugars leave us unsatisfied and running for more. He tells how to turn off the receptors in your brain that make you crave things that are not good for you. While I did know "what" I should eat, I didn't necessarily know "why". It sure makes sense.

The irony of my situation is not lost on me. I am struggling to figure out how to limit my food intake, while people in Haiti are searching for enough food to sustain them. I have no idea why I was born into a land of too much while others never have enough. I went to buy groceries this morning and had limitless choices. I cannot help but contrast that with the devastation and helplessness in that crowded country.

I am humbly grateful for what God has provided for my family. As I donate to the Red Cross today, I wish I could do more. The people of Haiti are in our prayers.

Empty Nest

2010-01-11T12:22:00.001-08:00

I really hate those words! If you have been one of the thousands of people who have asked me how I feel about having an "empty nest" soon, I'm not mad at you. I just really, really hate that phrase!

Depending on how well my Bible Study is going, and/or the level of my hormones that day, my pink hearing aids (for those who have read "Love and Respect") hear two different things. I either hear "How do you feel now that you have almost raised your children?" OR "So, what are you going to do with yourself now that your kids are raised and you have nothing to do and no purpose in your life?"

I am constantly asked if I am finally going to get a job, what I am going to do with all my free time, and whatever will I do now? My current reply is "I'm going to do all the same things I have been doing for the last 29 years: making a home". I'm pretty sure my job as a homemaker doesn't end when the children are grown.

I know, I know. I sound a little defensive. Perhaps I am. All I ever wanted to be is a mom, and now my job seems to be shifting somewhat. I'm not sure what God has in store for me, but I'm pretty sure I'm still going to be a mom even if they don't live in the same house with me! Actually, my motherhood has expanded to cover Patty, Heidi, and Cooper. (our children's spouses) What a blessing!

There's no doubt my job description is evolving these days. I still have one at home, and I cherish these moments. I KNOW how quickly they go by. For my grown kids, I no longer make their school lunches, help them with their homework, do their laundry, etc. But....what a privilige to have extended time to pray for their physical and spiritual needs, talk to them on the phone, and just continue to love them with all my heart. I don't just LOVE my kids, I LIKE them.

My world may be changing, but it has its' perks!

Ergorapido

2010-01-10T13:00:00.001-08:00

I know. I haven't posted since April, and my first post is about a vacuum cleaner. Well.....what can I say. This past year has been the most challenging year of my life, and I just couldn't decide to write about it yet. Where would I even begin? So, I decided to start with something small and somewhat insignificant.

I have been looking for a vacuum for a while now. I first saw the Ergorapido (gotta love the name) at Lowe's while shopping for paint with my friend Addie and my daughter-in-law Heidi. We watched a video demonstration, and I was pretty impressed.

At $99, it seemed like a good buy! But......imagine my excitement when I started shopping with my American Express points and found out I could get it free! That's right! FREE!

I had it shipped to my home, and received it in a week. It was very easy to assemble. I was a little discouraged when I read that I had to charge it for 24 hours before the first use. It was worth the wait!

The Ergorapido is amazing! It is cordless and rechargeable, and glides over surfaces very easily. It doesn't pick up as well on carpet, but I knew that when I bought it. I mostly needed it for hardwood and tile. The charge lasts 15 to 20 minutes, which is plenty of time to get the job done. The best part is---it has a dustbuster that pops out for more cleaning options!

This is a great product! It almost makes housecleaning fun....almost.......

Fireproof

2009-04-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

We FINALLY watched "Fireproof" this weekend! We had tried to see it in theaters, but it was always sold out. We then tried to rent it, but it was always rented out.

I must confess, I wasn't expecting it to be great. I expected it to be low-budget and pretty cheesy. I had seen the "Love Dare" on church signs, and figured it was just a gimmick. I think I had a case of "movie snobbiness".

Well I was wrong.

"Fireproof" is interesting and compelling. It addresses the problems in marriage in a real way, and offers real solutions. It reminds us to be selfless; putting our spouse's needs above our own. One of my favorite lines in the movie is "Love is not just a feeling, it is a decision". That is so true!

With divorce rates for Christian couples identical to those of non-Christian couples, the church has obviously not done a good job in supporting families in crisis. I think this movie could be an effective tool in healing marriages in trouble. The "Love Dare" challenges us to give of ourselves and don't give up even when it's hard. That's a great reminder for every marriage!

Wednesday night church

2009-04-02T05:12:00.001-07:00

Last night we attended our prayer meeting at Trinity Baptist. It's something that is a regular part of our week. Rather than meet in the sanctuary, we now meet in a smaller room with chairs placed around the perimeter. For the first part of the meeting, anyone can share prayer requests, then we read from Scripture, then anyone can pray. There usually aren't very many people there: perhaps just 25% of our congregation.

That service is often one of the best times of my week. It's a time to share what burdens you have, and then listen as people you love pray for those burdens. I have walked into that room feeling overwhelmed, or alone, or in despair, and afterward walked out totally uplifted and full of hope. As you see others write down your request, you know they are committed to praying for you.

That's not the only benefit! We have had the privilige of seeing prayer answered over and over. I can't even explain the joy you feel when you pray for many years for someone's salvation and then that very person is there rejoicing over how God has saved them! Although our prayers haven't always been answered in the way we wanted, we have seen marriages reconciled, people healed, pain eased.

People grow closer when they share their heart. They just do. God means for us to encourage, love, and support each other. Wednesday night church provides that opportunity.

Just reflecting

2009-04-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will see Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I was talking and listening to music with my beautiful daughter recently when we were in the car. She made me several "mixes" of music: "worship", "fun", "pretty"! (I love her labels!) Both of us tend to like about any kind of music, especially the cheesy stuff that noone else I know likes.

On the "Worship 2" cd, Mer put Selah's version of "God Bless the Broken Road". As we were listening to it, I commented that the lyrics were such a testimony to my life. God used every hard thing, every obstacle to lead me to Him. I especially like the part that says "I'd like to take the time I lost, and give it back to You". I gave my life to Christ at age 13, but there were times when I took a detour (pardon the pun-although Meredyth will like it) and wanted to do things my own stupid way!

How awesome that God has a plan for me! I love Jeremiah 29 where God says He will listen when I call upon Him. I will find Him when I search for Him with all my heart! As Brother Tom would say, "It doesn't get better than that"!

Smoke-free Sikeston!

2009-03-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Help!

Yesterday I sent a letter to our Sikeston City Council members asking them to consider making Sikeston a smoke-free town. I also enclosed a packet of information showing the benefits of making all public places smoke-free, a list of all the current smoke-free communities in the U.S., and a research study showing there would be no adverse effects to our restaurants and businesses. I then emailed a request to many people asking them to take a moment and email their city council asking them to consider this proposal.

I know there are many people who feel passionately about his issue! If you are one of them, as well as a Sikeston resident, I ask you to please take just a few moments and email city hall at
cityhall@sikeston.org.

Perhaps if we flood the city council members with emails about this issue, we can make a difference! Thanks!

Shepherding a Child's Heart

2009-03-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

Our church is watching the series "Shepherding a Child's Heart" on Sunday nights before worship. I understand it has been updated and revised, but we are watching the older series. There are quite a few couples who attend, and even some young singles and older people.

We are not finished with the series yet, but I have had mixed feelings about it. While I like the ideas, and agree many are rooted in Scripture and therefore must be followed, I have a problem with some of the things I have heard.

Now, I do realize that Tedd Tripp is much more qualified and educated to speak on this subject than I am. He has been a pastor, counselor, and school administrator for many

years. It is with much humility that I respectfully question a couple of his concepts.

Let me start with the things I agree with. First, I believe one of the biggest problems in raising kids today is their lack of respect for authority. Not teaching children that there are many authorites over them and they must respect and obey those authorities just sets them up for problems their entire lives. If kids are not made to respect and obey parents and teachers and others over them, how will they respect and obey God? Tripp focuses alot on this lack of respect for authority and how to overcome it.

Tripp also devoted much time to discussion of a child's heart. One of my favorite verses is Ezekiel 36:26:

"Moreover, I will give you a

new heart and put a new spirit

within you; and I will remove the

heart of stone from your flesh

and give you a heart of flesh."

What a tremendous promise and picture of what God does for us when we become His child! There is no doubt that until we are given this new heart, we cannot please God.

My problem with the series is more how these concepts are applied. Tripp seems to suggest that you tell your child they have "a bad heart", and explain that their sin comes from the overflow of their heart. Basically, that is true. However, I think there are better ways to deliver that message. When children hear the word "bad" used to describe not just their behavior but them, it sends a message we don't want to send. It is still possible to convey this idea and their complete and total need for Christ without labeling them as "bad".

About halfway through the series, Tripp tells parents to tell their child that "I don't want to spank you, but God commands me to do it and I have to." I strongly disagree with that! I feel that is a cop-out. God does command us to discipline our children and to spank them. A better way to say it would be "God has commanded me to discipline you and be your parent. Sometimes it is hard, but I am committed to being a godly parent."

Tripp focuses much of his time on spanking. Let me be clear here: I believe in spanking your children when needed! We followed James Dobson's view that you spank when your child directly defies your authority. It worked extremely well. We didn't spank in anger, and we always explained why, and then explained what proper behavior they should have had instead.

However, there are many alternate disciplines that work for other infractions. Not every misbehavior requires corporal punishment. Removing a child from their environment for a "time out" is effective in some instances. Grounding them from things that are important to them is also a way to get their attention. I am a big believer in making the punishment fit the crime. If they did not get their chores done because they were watching television, they must need a break from television, etc.

There were times when my children were young that I felt like all I was doing was disciplining them. It was extremely discouraging! During those times I found it helpful to not only point out their wrong behavior, but to find opportunities to praise their good behavior. I could almost always find something they were doing correctly and with a proper attitude. It was also helpful to tell them what I expected every time we left the house or had company or were in a new situation. Letting them know their boundaries beforehand left no room for discussion if they misbehaved and were corrected later. They almost always stayed within those boundaries, however, if they knew prior to the occasion.

All but one of our children is grown now, and looking back, there are many things I would do differently. Raising children was always the desire of my heart, and I wanted to honor God and do it well. I know I made many, many mistakes. God was gracious to forgive me and give me "do-overs"!

All in all, Ted Tripp does a good job pointing out the many Scriptural references to parenting, and explains ways to implement them. He encourages parents to use the Bible as their guide and to refer children to it as you raise them. The series is rightly titled "Shepherding a Child's Heart". It's a hard thing to do-but definitely worth it.

Spring Red Pepper Dance

2009-03-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of Noah and Ross prior to the Red Pepper Dance. Hop on over to Micah's blog for much better pictures!

Diving into James

2009-03-23T05:28:00.001-07:00

I've read the book of James on my own, truly. It never fails to convict me!

Beginning March 8, our pastor, William, started a series of Sunday morning sermons on James. I have to say I was pretty excited at the prospect of studying this book! I expected to be inspired, convicted, intrigued, encouraged, and challenged.

I underestimated it.

1:19 "This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
21 Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.
22 But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.
23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror;
24 for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.
25 But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.
26 If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless.
27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

Quick to hear.
Slow to speak.
Slow to anger.
Put aside all filthiness and wickedness.
Doer of the word.

I would think that anyone who reads this passage would HAVE to ask "Am I a hearer of the word, rather than a doer? Further, am I deluding myself? Is my religion worthless?"

My study Bible notes on verses 26 and 27 say "Three characteristics of worthwhile religion: controlling the tongue, looking after orphans and widows, and keeping unstained by this world system."

REALLY??? On my own, these three things are impossible. But, praise God, I don't have to attempt to do this on my own.

New job

2009-03-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

Alot of people have been asking me about Michael's new job and what it actually involves, so when Jenny asked I thought I would fill everyone in. (As much as I know)

As I said in my last post, his title is "Director of K-12 School Business". It is a promotion, but one of those promotions with no more money and lots more work! Right now, he is the only person in the company who is working in this area. There are a couple of other US Food companies who have this program, so he has been meeting with those people to get a feel for school business. Apparently, school business does not fluctuate with the economy, so Michael's job is to bid on and secure school contracts. Eventually he will have people working under him, but for now he is setting up the program and developing it. He has a home office and is here three days a week at least. He may be out one night a week during "normal" weeks.

It has been quite an adjustment as he learns this new business! We don't know what God has in store, but this is definitely where He was leading us. We were very "comfortable" in the old job, but we are excited to see what God is doing!

Thanks!

2009-03-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the kind comments! It's nice to know someone is reading....debating whether to start blogging again.

News update: my mom is doing remarkably well! She is still in a splint that is very "Wolverine-like", but will get it off soon. She will resume her Rituxin infusion on Friday. It's a pretty long ordeal, usually about six or seven hours, but helps tremendously with the inflammation from the rheumatoid.

My niece is participating in a Relay for Life this weekend, and my brother is walking as a cancer survivor! Praise God! I remember where we were in his treatment two years ago, and I see where God has brought him. He is faithful!

We are still in the process of paperwork for the adoption. Seems like an easy process thus far.

As for the wedding, we have ordered invitations and Meredyth and Cooper have registered. They graciously included Patty and me, and we all had a great time. Mer is working on her wedding website. I will post it when it is finished.

We are still adjusting to the new job, but it seems great so far! Pray for Michael as he learns all the ins and outs and sets up the program. His new title is "Director of K-12 School Business". (I don't call him that)

God bless!

Flying Monkeys?

2009-03-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

Can you guess who this is?

This last weekend was Union's Variety Show. It will be our last for awhile, since Meredyth is a Senior now! (Wow! When did that happen?) In the above picture,you can see her transformed into a "Flying Monkey" from the Wizard of Oz. She was literally standing two feet from me "Mom! Mom!" and I did not know who she was! Her sorority did a great job! Unfortunately, they did not take the prize, but they should have!

Captain Jack

2009-03-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

I didn't really want a dog! I especially never wanted one in the house. I am allergic to most dogs and cats, and well, it just seemed a little unsanitary. I mean, you finally get your kids to pick up after themselves (mostly) and then you bring an animal in the house. No thanks.

A couple of years ago, Noah and I made a trip to Florida to see my brother and his family, and they have a Boston Terrier. My niece and nephew love this dog Jake. Actually, they may not love him as much as my sister-in-law and brother do! Noah has always wanted an inside dog, but we vetoed it. Then I saw how much he liked Jake, and I guess I had a weak moment.

After we got home, I started researching dogs and found a "hypoallergenic" breed. We settled on a Bichon, and as luck would have it, there was a breeder close by. Noah and I went "to look", and came home with Captain Jack Sparrow!

Jack wasn't supposed to get very big, but he kind of kept growing. He grew to about 22 pounds, which is about 10 more than we expected. Despite having papers saying he is a Bichon, we discovered he isn't one and is most likely a "Havachon". That's a mix between a Bichon and a Havanese. My friend Heather says that's a better dog anyway.

It really doesn't matter, because Jack is a part of the family now. Michael and I didn't plan to love the dog, but it just kind of happened.

Well, this week Jack got hit by a car. He's going to be ok, but it was pretty serious. We got to pick him up from the vet today, and he is limping around here with an occasional pitiful whimper. He's just so glad to be home.

It was pretty quiet around here without him.

Good news

2009-03-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

Me, JJ, and Michael

I am feeling sentimental today, (as usual), so I am going to tell you a story.

It all started many years ago when Micah and JJ met. They went to school together, and played football. I would go to football practice and watch them, and I met JJ's mom there.

Some time later, JJ's mom died. He and Micah had become very good friends by this time, and JJ attended our youth group at church. He didn't have much family, but he did go live with a cousin. That didn't work out, so he went to live with some family friends.

As we grew closer to JJ, he expressed an interest in living with us. We were very excited and said "of course"! To our shame, we didn't pray about it first. I don't know why. I mean we knew better than that, but I guess we just figured it couldn't be a bad thing.

It hurts me to tell this story. It really does.

JJ moved in with us, and we were very happy! However, a week later, we got a call from JJ's guardians. They wanted to meet with us and discuss the situation. We knew that at some point we would need to go to court and make the situation legal, but we weren't sure of the requirements. We hoped we could talk it over with them and find out the process.

Well, the meeting didn't go well. Both guardians were there, and they expressed concern about JJ. It seems that because JJ had already moved twice in such a short time, there was a possibility that the judge would not grant us guardianship. He could instead recommend foster care.

Rather than risk that, we had to have JJ move back with his present guardians. We knew it would be better to have him there where we could still be a part of his life, than chance him moving somewhere else. That was one of the worst days of my life.

Since that day, we have always believed JJ was completely a part of our family. We stayed close, and attended his wedding to stand in as his parents.

Several months ago, we felt led to adopt JJ legally. THIS TIME, we prayed first. When our pastor preached several weeks ago about adoption and the sanctity of life, Michael felt God was giving us an answer.

So......in a few months, we will legally expand our family to include a new son. I say legally, because he already is a part of our family. Truly. We have been introducing JJ as our son for quite some time, but people who know us get really confused! Now it will be a fact.

You can pray for us as we fill out papers and petition the court and get a date. The process is much simpler when adopting an adult, so we don't expect any bumps. It's just always good to pray your way through!

Life Changes

2009-02-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

I always have great intentions of posting more often, and then Life Happens!

First, my laptop adaptor broke and I was forced to use the desktop. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's just easier to blog from the couch! Ha!

Second, I am drowning in wedding plans. The Knot website says we "still have 184 things to do for the wedding, with 38 overdue". How's that for overwhelming? This week Meredyth and I are choosing flowers for the reception, finalizing the guest list, and ordering invitations.

Third, and most importantly, Michael has a new job. There's a story behind the job, of course. One month ago, he turned an opportunity down. His company was hiring a "Bid Manager Specialist", and asked him to apply for it. It is a promotion, which is nice, but after praying about it we weren't sure about the traveling, and turned it down. We definitely prayed for God's direction and will! Two weeks later, the vice-president of sales called and asked him to reconsider. So....Michael applied thinking we could always turn it down if we felt God was not in it. We asked our prayer group to pray for us as we went through the process. Last week, we found out he got the job, but there was a pretty substantial salary decrease. We kept praying and within two days God had worked it all out in a pretty miraculous way! We kept closing the door, but God kept opening it again. He answered every single concern we had. We don't know the purpose for this change, but we surely feel God's leading and timing.

God is good to us!!! We are excited to see what He has for us to do!

28 Years!

2009-02-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

It's true. On February 7, Michael and I will be married for 28 years. Micah Blake took this picture of us a year ago in Jackson. I find it quite funny that while I have hundreds of pictures of Micah with Patty, and hundreds of pictures of Meredyth with Cooper, I had trouble finding even one picture, (much less one I liked) of Michael and I together! It seems I am always taking the pictures or we have various combinations of kids in all our photos.

I can't believe it's been 28 years. Seriously. I know all of you reading this who have been married for a few years or less don't believe me. I know. I didn't believe it when people said that to me 28 years ago. But, it goes by quickly. Believe me.

What I want to say to you is this: marriage gets better and better. I remember when it was just the two of us BK (before kids), and we ran off to the beach for the weekend or spent our last $5.00 going to the movie. It was the two of us having as much fun as possible every single day. And....it still is. Life is just better when it's spent with that someone who knows you better than anyone else. You know what I mean! That person who has seen you at your best and your worst and everything in-between.

On this anniversary I say thanks to my husband for:

Letting me be quiet when I want to be.
Helping me clean up the kitchen after supper.
Loving our kids as much as I do.
Reading the Bible at night to us when you are too tired.
Working to provide all we need, and some things we don't.
Taking me on my first ever family vacation, and making us all love the beach!
Working three jobs at times, so I could be a stay-at-home mom.
Telling me I am beautiful when I first wake up.
Protecting me when things are really hard.

Happy Anniversary, Michael!

Quick update.....

2009-02-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

My mom had her surgery today. The doctor took out all the knuckles on one hand and found them all to be broken. No wonder they hurt! He did the carpal tunnel surgery also. She came out with no breathing problems, but surprisingly began having chest pain that radiated to her shoulder. They called in a cardiologist who did some tests, and he decided it would be best to admit her. He also ordered a heart monitor to see what's going on. Hopefully, she will be out of the hospital soon!

It's clean up time, It's clean up time.......

2009-02-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have heard by now about the massive ice storm that hit the Midwest. Newscasters say it is the worst natural disaster to hit in this area in three decades! I do so love storms of any kind, but this was pretty crazy. We lost a tremendous amount of limbs and a couple of trees. We are still picking up the yard, and will be for some time.

If you must be iced in, it's good to be iced in with people you like! Micah and Patty were here and Meredyth and Noah, and we had a great time. We were without power for 5 days, so we had to be creative in passing the time. We played spades by candlelight, as well as electronic monopoly and mad gab. We all cuddled up under piles of blankets while Patty read aloud, in her most pleasing library voice, from "The Magician's Nephew". We grilled out, and made soup on the kerosene heater, and snacked on whatever we could find. It was very "Little House on the Prairie-ish"! We have a gas water heater, so we had hot showers, and we have two gas fireplaces which provided light and ambiance, but not much heat. While I wouldn't want to do that every day, I have to say it will be a pleasant family memory.

Mom is getting a new hand!

2009-02-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have been shamed into blogging by my grown son. He pointed out to me that I haven't blogged at all this new year, and he and Patty both reminded me of all the things that are currently going on around here that I could write about. So, I will try to write a little each day this week. Doing it all in one day is just too overwhelming!

First of all, my mom is having surgery tomorrow. The doctor is going to put in new knuckles on her left hand. The thumb joint is completely gone from the rheumatoid. She also has carpal tunnel in that hand, so he will fix that as well. It is usually an outpatient procedure (believe it or not), but she will stay overnight because she has lung complications. Pray that she will come through with a good result on her hand and no breathing problems!

I will post an update on her condition.

Oh Joyous Day!

2008-12-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas is such an amazing time of year! Celebrating advent at church leads us to the holiday with expectancy and wonder. This year we celebrated in a few different ways with friends and family. It was a season of beginning new things and leaving some things behind.

On Christmas eve, Micah, Patty, Meredyth, Cooper and Noah were here and we all listened as Michael read the Christmas story of Christ's birth from Luke. The fire was lit in the living room, the lights were blinking in rhythm on the tree, and we were all in our pajamas. I'm talking......cozy. It was another one of those "I want to freeze this moment" moments.

Since the kids were little, they have been able to choose one gift to open on Christmas eve. That requires the unveiling of "the code"! That's another Moyers' tradition we started when the kids were little. Micah was especially good at figuring out what was in his packages prior to Christmas, and he would pick up each present and announce what it was. (e.g. "this is a movie, this is a shirt, this is a CD, etc.) So to outsmart him, I came up with a secret code. He could still figure out what was in each package, but he didn't know which ones were his! Coming up with this year's code was a particular challenge because we added Cooper to the mix. In previous years, I used the first letter of their obstetrician's name, or the street or hospital where they were born, or the grade school they attended. Since I didn't know all of Cooper's history, I went with the first letter of their favorite stores. Micah was "n" for Newegg, Patty was "j' for J Crew, Meredyth was "e" for every store, Cooper was "b" for Brooks Brothers, and Noah was "g" for Gamestop.

Missing this year was our trek to my grandma's. How I miss her! I have the hope that she accepted Christ before her death, and that means more than anything else. She loved Christmas so much! Her favorite color was red (as is Meredyth's) and that was evident at her house at Christmas. She even had red crock pots! The meal smelled scrumptious as you entered the living room, but she always said "I don't know if it's fit to eat!" She usually made an extra pan of yeast rolls so the kids could have one right when they came out of the oven. There were way too many of us crowded in her little house on the holidays, but she loved it.

As for new things, we had Christmas eve dinner at my mom's. There were no presents for the kids, only the grandkids this year. The adults requested a donation to Samaritan's purse in lieu of a gift. After dinner, we played a new board game. Good times.

Micah and Patty, Meredyth and Cooper left after Christmas brunch to share their day with other family. Noah and I stayed in our pajamas, took a nap, and ate potato chips for lunch. It was awesome!

We missed J.J. and Heidi this year! Heidi had to work, so we haven't seen them yet. They will be home probably next weekend. It will be interesting to see if our Frasier fir makes it to next week. Periodically you can hear a "thunk" when another ornament falls off the now drooping branches!

It's been a great holiday. Hope yours was glorious!

Just for you-Patty!

2008-12-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of our Christmas tree for the 2008 holiday season! It smells so good! Hey! Now that I look at it, in this picture it kind of looks like it has arms! Maybe it is waving to you, saying "Come home, Patty! I can't wait to see you!"

Sunday morning

2008-12-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Charles Stanley this morning while getting ready for Sunday School, and was convicted by his sermon. (as usual) I really like Charles Stanley, and I have read a couple of his books that I found insightful as well. He has a way of delivering the truth in a practical sense.

His sermon was about anxiety this morning. The convicting part for me was concerning my prayer life. He asked the congregation to think about their prayer time and how much of it was spent in praise, adoration, and worship in comparison to how much of it was spent on "our own stuff". In other words, is God the focus of my prayer time, or am I the focus of my prayer time? Ouch.

He went on to say that it is important to ask for our needs and the needs of others, and to seek His will in our lives. However, if we really want to live in victory over the world and our worries, we must place our focus on Him and His plan.

I have received this same message in several different ways lately; one of them was in William's sermon this morning at our own church. So my goal this week is to rework my prayer list to include much more time on praise and worship, and yet still pray through my concerns. I think it will be a good week.