I wished.......

Several months ago, we found out my biological dad had cancer that had spread extensively. If you have read my testimony, you know that we have not had much contact. I saw him at my grandmother's birthday party in January. We chit-chatted a bit, sharing nothing but small talk. Needless to say, it's quite awkward to stand in a room talking to someone you share DNA with, but really don't know. Add to that, that special someone abandoned you.

Well, a few weeks ago, he contacted me. He said that he needed to resolve some things with me, and he began to share his regret over how he had missed out on my life. He told me it was his deepest regret, and he only wished he could do it over. He wished he knew me, and he hoped to have time to fix things. He told me loved me, more than I could ever know, and that he had given his heart to Christ. He had a new heart.

Nah......

That didn't happen. That was the scenario I played out in my head every day as I prayed for him to hear the gospel and know God. I wanted that to happen. I wanted him to resolve all the mess he left me with, and I wanted him to be the man I always hoped he could be. I don't think I realized how much I wanted that until the opportunity was lost forever.

On December 10, he passed away. I attended his funeral this week, as pretty much an outsider. It was quite possibly the single hardest thing I have ever done. As the pastor spoke, I kept listening for something, anything that would tell me more about him. I didn't learn much. I did learn that he loved his family very much, (the present one, not the original one) and that he was very good to them. Ouch.

satan threatened to drag me back to that place - the dark, twisty place - where I once was. I sat there thinking "Ok, he loved everyone here but me. What is wrong with me?" I wanted to stand up and scream "ARE YOU KIDDING?"

But....I didn't. For the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me that He had healed me from the inside out. It still hurts, but I know who I am in Christ. I know that my life is extraordinary. God saved me from a life of repeating the mistakes my bio dad made. He rescued me and made me whole.

I'm pretty sure I still have a lot to sort out. It feels a little like a final chapter to a very long book has been written and the story is over. But I know it isn't over completely. There's a sequel that is full of hope and God's promises and my redemption. Hallelujah.